Sad attempt number 395

Yeah... it was suggested to me that for the purposes of complaining I might start one of these again. Also, sadly certain friends of mine seem to be slipping through my fingers and I thought mayhaps they might read this. I dont know if I am going to tell anyone about it yet. Maybe it will be my secret complaint art masterpiece. Like a journal only more fun because my hand doesnt get tired and the keys click pleasantly. I dont know though. I generally like to share this sort of thing. My fear is that I would tell people about it and still noone would read it.

I feel so close to other people when I read their writing. I feel like I access some secret part of their soul that even they dont know about by listening and looking at the way they put words together. I know that reading my writing I am more the person I want to be than in any other medium or existence. I leak out of my writing in ways I recognize as me but blink at admiringly instead of criticizing. I am always criticizing. I open this blog to that purpose.

The title of my blog refers to the only whole passage of Shakespeare I have memorized. It is from Hamlet, the play within the play, and begins "I do believe you think what now you speak/but what we do determine oft we break." It is the King telling the Queen she will forget about him and marry again after he dies... which is exactly what happens. I have always thought this pertinent to my life with people coming and going loving me and then not loving me, and with even my own feelings towards people growing and decreasing constantly. In the end I have to believe people love me right now without worrying about the future. But I cant do that so much. It hurts too much not to see it coming.

In future entries I will speak less generally and more specifically. Suffice it to say for now that my main concerns at least at present revolve around my fiance and another good friend. My fiance lacks interest in me at the moment... and has even considered dumping me. My good friend I am starting to be interested in... despite my efforts to not be... as a replacement. I do not think I am being fair to either of them, nor do I feel they are being entirely fair to me. And this is where I will leave this today.