reflections

So... I meant to write a one year anniversary post on the sixth to this fine blog of mine. It was to include many fine statistics about this previous year... such as how many positive posts I had and what percentage of posts each of you was mentioned in. I failed. Utterly. Without a computer and without a proper sense of the date... I failed.

A year ago two days ago Evan dumped me for the first, and most significant, time. A year ago today I was as filled with pain as I am filled with joy today. A year ago tomorrow I had my first orgy. A year ago the day after tomorrow Evan was already expressing regret over dumping me. It is good to know, at least, that it was not a decision he never regretted or no longer regrets, though I may be somewhat evil for taking satisfaction from whatever pain I might still be causing him.

October. So full of memories both bitter and sweet. So full of ghosts. I do not know where I will be next October, but this last year has taught me that I will still be going strong, God willing. My pathetic self-pity and non-existent sense of self-worth are in the past. I have reached my goals and become what I decided I wanted to become. I have met with success this last year. I have learned alot about myself. I have found myself, insomuch as I think one can find a self. I love myself. I have hurt myself much along the way. I have hurt others perhaps more. I have a clear conscience, because I feel that I was honest throughout, and reading my past blog entries confirms this for me. I did well, in my own opinion; whatever that's worth to the world, it is worth everything to me. I learned most of all that I am strong. I believe that the heart is made to break over and over again... and I continue to throw it around and into my endeavors and to entrust it to those whom I love even though I know them to be untrustworthy. I continue to love the imperfect, the passionate, and the honest. I have given up on love and honest, and then I have made the decision alone to place importance on them once more. I still do not like rejection, but I now look upon it as a reflection of both my own and others' downfalls rather than placing all the blame on my self. Yes, I am pleased and proud as a plum tomato pudding three days after St. Patrick's Day.

Hopefully this next year I can do better, live more stably, and in my stability help others more than hurt them. Hopefully this next year will kick ass. Hopefully I will figure out what the fuck I want to do with my future.

Let us hope.