disheartened

I have not been truly sad for a while, and it has been even longer since I have admitted the extent of my sadness to myself or those around me. I feel miniscule or worthless or something else equally unpleasant. And, I feel even worse for feeling sad at all or thinking that anyone might care about that sadness.

This life, I have tried to live it nobly. I have fought the good fight when I could. But this year things have gone from miserable to bearable to ignorable to passable. And somewhere in there I lost a sense of the "big picture". At first I lived life only for pleasure or at least only for anything that would dull the pain. Then I lived life only for pleasure or at least only to bear the pain. Now I go between ignoring the pain and completely being free of the pain. I no longer live for pleasure necessarily but more for some combination of excitement and hope that I feel most of the time. But everything seems so fucked up still for most people that I care about. I start to try to get out of myself now that I have grasped my little bit of happiness again. But as soon as I start to empathize the pain kicks my ass and I run into the darkest part of my heart to hide with my tail between my legs. Yes, my friends, methinks that love is for the birds. I can't help myself. And the ways that I do help myself in I would not recommend to others. And so in the end I feel so weak and powerless. Like everything should fix itself, but it never does, and I should help but I never do.

I am living in the servants' quarters of the castle and looking out my window at you swamp people eating swamp bugs and swamp fishes. And then once in a while I am talking to my little pet fish in its little fish bowl, while munching on scraps that fell under the king's table, and wishing upon wish that I could bring you all into my little room out of the mud and muck and poisonous swamp gasses that you are constantly breathing in. But also wishing that I could live in a better room. A bigger more comfortable room with a better view. (I love you Eddius. Most awesome metaphor ever.)

I feel like I've just been plodding along for a while wondering where I am going, but now I have finally just sat down discouraged that I am not getting anywhere and trying to figure out where to go next. But, I am completely lost. I could remain happy and continue down my little merry road. Or I could serve a higher purpose again. I could be noble again like you people. You who deserve the castle, that I am not fit for.

I am babbling.

The point is... I wish I could make people happy. I wish I had that power. Because I want people to be happy and because it would make me happy if I had that power and because it would make me happy if they were happy. I don't really mean "happy" though, happiness is not something I value much. But productive, and pain free, and content, and yet motivated would be nice.

I am so not eloquent today... Yes, Pizza.