Bungle

The post in which Hope blargles about nothing in particular.

Oh these last few months. Some of you are probably wondering about these last few months. My arrogant side and my self-hatred have been battling it out. So far my arrogant side is taking a surprising lead, but my self-hatred comes out strong after a good night's sleep and kicks my ass. Yes, I have spent afternoons banging my head on walls and evenings at work feeling light headed and getting bloody noses. I have tried to quit my job and failed and been glad for it. Many times my job is the most relaxing and enjoyable part of my day, even if I get bored of it after the first four hours and count the minutes until I get to leave for the next four hours.

Oh, and there have been moments of brilliance. I have made poetries, thought they were awesome, read them over and over for the contact high, grown weary of them, heard them read by others, hated them, and started over.

I didn't really feel like October happened, and November was only mildly better. December is off to a good start. I go to Vermont soonish.

I have been forced to realize that I am still hurt from things of the past, and that those things are still controlling some aspects of my life. I have tried to trust more again, and mostly failed.

I have felt like the world has failed me and I have failed it.

My Christmas tree is up. I welcome the chance to celebrate love and hope for mankind.

I have not been well in the head or heart.

You should call me or see me or hug me or love me.

I know I haven't been reaching out very much or responding to your reaching out to me. I am soul tired. Whenever I need people most is when I am most afraid to need or fulfill need.