holidays

It has always been said to me that a loss is hardest to deal with around the holidays. The holidays are merely approaching, and I still do not feel I have technically "lost" Evan, but I can tell you that this is a truth.

I can remember last Thanksgiving so clearly, at least parts of it. I was so happy... Evan was so happy. I don't know exactly when it was ruined and it stopped being so happy, but it was sometime in the spring and most especially in July. I ruined it because that is what I do.

I just want to go back and live this year over again. Even if it ended up exactly the same. Even if I had to go through the depression and the breakup. I just want to figure out how it happened. I just want to relive the good times... the best times of my life. I just want to believe again just for a little while that maybe two people in this world could just love each other in that old fashioned first love/ last love/ happily ever after way. I was so stupid, but it was the best feeling in the world. That is why even though everybody seems to suggest that even if we did get back together it would be ruined I think they are wrong. Even if we could get back together for only one month it would be worth another breakup. Besides, some relatives of mine have gone as far as getting divorced and ended up back together and happier than ever. I am a fool above all else. A wise man once said "Be a clown."