"fill what's empty"

I read somewhere once that the secret to good living was "fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." I have always found it most true.

I always feel a void when I must leave off writing for a few days, especially for a few days filled with real and choking emotion. However, even now I feel like a little kid sneaking some cookies. My parental type units are in the other room. But, I spose it is my own fault for not being inspired earlier for the few precious moments that I was left alone in this fine casa. But at any rate I write this entry to fill that void and not really to convey any purposeful meaning. I am sure that my mother will catch on and ruin this as she has ruined so much, especially since every time I do create an entry I delete the whole history from the last four days, this in not likely to go unnoticed, and I can't very well tell her I am watching porn, though I may or may not have done that with my previously mentioned free time.

Now and again these past few days, having nothing to do from time to time and no homework to fill it with, thoughts have finally begun to sneak their way into my little head about the reality of happenings this year, and the morality issues, and the feelings that I really feel when I pay attention. And it hurts for those few moments. And I think about maybe changing certain patterns of behavior, and then I forget because there is something better to do. I will be in the wrong part of this house, or I will hear the wrong piece of some song, or the wrong song entirely, and I will suddenly remember that I used to be in love... strongly, passionately, in love. And without that love I feel empty. Everything else is a substitute. After youve tasted the good stuff, the crap doesnt taste so good any more. It doesnt matter that there isnt anything particularly bad replacing such a wonderful feeling, it only matters that the beautiful feeling is gone. The simple faith. The diligence. The security. I am no worse off than any other person, but it grates me.

I must away.