Proverbially

the "I told you so" rings in my ears, even though noone has actually said it. My self-confidence is at an all time high (well since my Senior year of highschool peak)... my confidence in people is at an all time low... and my happiness varies from moderate to content. Obviously, I have been dumped yet again.

It hurts even though I knew it would come. Like when they give me a shot and they tell me to look away... and that it won't hurt... and then it always does anyways, but barely more than the fear while I am waiting. Oh I am so wily with metaphors. Yes, pizza.

At any rate depression escapes me. I feel this constant excitement for what might happen mixed with the fear now. I feel hope now when I think about my future, though the fear still overpowers that feeling. I am enamoured with the better things in life, the good people around me... soft things... kitties... laughter... simple pleasures in general. I am excited to learn new things and go new places and meet new people.

Invariably every year I look back at the year before and think "I thought I had problems then but I would trade my problems now for my problems then. Everything was so much better back in the day." This either means that every year is worse or that I never realize how good I've got it because I am always comparing it to idealized memories.

I intend to enjoy this year, and I have been, despite certain set backs. I intend to continue trusting people & to continue receiving medically necessary vaccinations. I will contine putting myself out there despite the risk of pain. In short I am slowly working away from that grovelling submissive cowardly self-pitying hermit I was last year. "If happy I can be I will, if suffer I must I can." (From Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom). I love that line, especially since it is so Yoda-esque. Oooo neologisms and metaphors all in the same blog. Creativity is a child feasting on pain. Wabaaaam!

(Some of you took note that the fine internet (the undeniable source of truth in this universe) has identified my heart as blue. This can only mean one thing... Patrick knew instinctually what the internet could only discover through years of planning and a 20 question quiz. Wiggy.)