Solitary

Alo all. I am moved into my summer apartment now. I still don't have a job and I will only be able to afford the first month without one. Tomorrow more job hunting! I am going crazy from being here alone. I meant to call everybody once I was finally moved in, but apparently we dont have phone service and Evan's cell phone gets really really really crappy reception as in it wont stay connected for more than two minutes. I am going crazy already from lack of job/ missing everybody/ too much time to think too much. I did receive some good musics from Benjarmin and Rosbert before they left though. I am feeling mostly chewed out inside when I bother to pay attention to how I am feeling. Finally got laundry today:) I am seriously on gaim most of the time guys... please come chat with me? I feel so cut off from the whole world. Tomorrow should help though because I am going to apply for jobs with Arlo. Fuck. That's not true. I miss Rosbert. I am depressed as a bug. I miss all the other people from Omaha who I have missed for so long now that missing them is just a daily feeling generally ignored for more urgent happenings. I even miss my family; I wish I could go visit them. Everybody feels so far away, and what scares me most is that I almost like it. I almost want to say that it is thier fault for abandoning me and that people are not worth caring about and that I should just be my own person and a hermit, and I actually think I could stop caring for the first time in my life if I decided to. It is a daily struggle to remember that people still do care about me that they are just really busy and I am just cut off from them until I can afford cell phone or phone service. This is not the worst I have felt all year or even the most hopeless or the most lonely. Still it is that uncomfortable bad feeling that follows me everywhere. I can deny the big pain but the little pains annoy me. All that said... please get on gaim some time people or just send me an email... i promise i wont sound this depressed on there... prolly cuz i will be out of my mind with happiness at being able to talk with you.