Carry On

I have gained so much, and I have lost so little this year. What I have lost was more important (to me) than usual, and hurt me more intensely. What I have gained was vital, and has brought me profound joy.

Would it hurt me to tell you that I would not wish this life on anybody? Would I seem arrogant if I told you I wish everybody could be as happy as I am right now?

This year was not enough to turn a die-hard Ayn Rand fan into a Marxist, but it was enough to make me often feel that all in all I might be better off giving up on the whole morality/livelihood issue all together. I sometimes feel I am not cut out to be the strong super person I have come to hold as the most worthy, ideal, and therefore desirable. Yes, I might do quite nicely collecting teddy bears and chit chatting about the weather to my wise but sufficiently empty-headed midwestern girlfriends. Maybe once in a while I could mush on about true love ( I am engaged (again) (to a new guy) (to Bob) btw). Maybe I could allow myself things like lengthy arrogant speeches about how really everybody is a very good person really, and the world just might be heading toward some kind of utopian existence. Once in a while when I really needed someone, maybe I could ask for help instead of apologizing. And my dreams and goals could be "stay-at-home-mom" without a glance at the floor. Maybe just once I could just stop caring what people thought. Stop trying day in and out to figure things out, think them through, discover some truth, make some progress. Maybe this whole thinking thing is overrated.

Or maybe that wouldn't be me.

I have only allowed myself to really trust that one or two people might like me. I don't want to believe a lie. That's the fear that I am chased by always. I would rather never believe anything than believe a lie. Proud, scared, driven by a complicated mesh of moral standards I push on; and, if I truly like anything about myself in even my darkest hours, it is that I stay true to whatever this thing is that has been or I have always tried to make "me".