hedonism

So this is what I have become. I look for anything to feel good because everything inside of me feels awful. Eat drink and be merry Hope. Do what feels good. There is no right and the only wrong is the pain you are trying to ignore if only for a moment. You have been handed a raw deal in life, and now what do you care how you live.

I am reminded of what Hope is. A part of the psychology of certain of the disorders the fine counselor once told me I might have is finding yourself through using other people as mirrors. And I realize now that I have no understanding of finding who I am outside of that context. I need a person in front of me saying i think this in order for me to say "hey I have always thought that too" or "I do not agree with that all."

How to become a self? I will develop hobbies. I will become literary again. I will spend time each day writing. I already have started this blog which helps significantly. I will read philosophy and decide what I believe and believe it despite the world. I have two years that are virtually meant for me to grow up in. I will grow up. And I will not be an adult like my father yelling and trying to be consoled by his children. I will not be an adult like my mother guilting people into comforting and helping me. I will not even be an adult like Evan's version that I have been aspiring to... calm and unattached. I want no more of this apathy. I want to live life passionately. That is the one thing I know I am... even if sometimes I have been criticized for it. I am passionate. I take every moment and I give it my best. I might not have the tools right now to even be a self. But I will discover what those tools are. Unfortunately the only way I know to discover those is through other people. Who do I think my friends are? Some of the tools I already learned this summer are hobbies as well as likes and dislikes.

I set out once again to find self and love. Real grown up love. Somebody to love me even when they are not in an excellent mood.