Doomed

So, for those of you who do not know, I am back with Evan sort of. In an "open relationship". I am pretty sure I am happy about this. It is sort of a short term solution, but it has stopped the pain.

My dear friend, however, called me up on Thanksgiving aka Turkey Day to tell me that I am a "monster". Later he retracted that statement and asserted that at the very least I am "doomed". Ah well.

I give forgiveness out rather freely and it is going to screw me over in life. I realize that I am of course doomed. However, I somehow feel that everybody needs to be forgiven a whole lot. Many of you all were very big jerks to me for long periods of time before we became the good friends we are today. People don't know what they are doing. I don't have any fucking clue what I am doing. But at least sometimes I find that I know why I am doing something, and that is good enough. Why am I back together with Evan? Because that is what I wanted all along. Because it is convenient and pleasurable. Because Evan is how I escape the world. I heard a fine country tune on my way to Omaha and it said that we are all looking to get high either on drugs or Jesus. I didn't very much care for this tune, but I agree with the getting high part.

Or, to attempt to quote one of my favourite movies, your friend and mine "28 Days"... I believe Jasper says something like "No adult human being is happy. You get a limited time walking around thinking everything is going to be wonderful... Everybody is trying to stop the pain... some do it by collecting stamps and others do it by getting wasted." I am really bad a quoting, but this is really close I think. And later... "Everybody hurts everybody. It's the human condition."

My point is I know that he may not be entirely healthy. Limited human attachment in general would be most healthy for me. But this is my sin. And I guess my addiction. So once again I agree with my friend that I am doomed.

At any rate I am happy for now. I will see what happens.