i am back

and so is the pain. I was watching this tv show and this character was battling for custody of his daughters and now i just feel pain. it is somewhat welcome after such a long break. i deserve it somehow... or i need to deserve it in order to make it less painful... because if i do not deserve it then it is even worse. I dont think i am very coherent right now. just moments ago i was upstairs talking to pictures of evan on my computer screen... trying to reason things out to them i guess... about how this shouldnt have happened... i can't go on... and what's more is i don't want to... i would rather die now then settle for calm emotionlessness and insincere attempts at love and friendship for the rest of my life... it is all so fickle... all so random... all so out of control... without purpose... without anything... void...empty... fucked up insane assfuckingly painful randomly ritualistically sadistic... then again maybe it's just the hormones... the chemicals in my brain... in my mindless mind... my diluted self... my meaningless futile self... the one that smiles even though i am too happy... cries even though i am too emotional... feels even though i shouldnt... doesnt feel even though i should... everybody wants something different... and i try to give... and i thought for once... somebody loved me back that way... i thought it because i needed it to be true... but it was true somehow... somehow he will always be mine... my tears come and this time i wont stop them... i dont care if i am foolish or stupid or failing everybody any more... maybe the only thing i could ever do for myself is death... my mother always told me that suicide is selfish... my mother always told me that i was selfish... but i always hope... i dont know why... that maybe things will make sense if i just hang on a little longer... try a little harder... maybe people will start to care about me... maybe life will be fair... maybe this time when things change it will be for the better... maybe this person who promises me will keep that promise... a year ago i had what i always wanted... i dont want anythign less or more ever... i am tired of settling... of watchign things get worse... i opened this blog to complain... and now every time i write i feel like apologizing for going on about myself... this blog is mine... my words... my thoughts... my overreactions... mine... me... my... now... fuck you world.... life... all... i was programmed wrong. And I make no apologies for it.