chasm

my dear friends and would be allies. I regret to inform you that I have nothing of great import to say. I find that my life becomes nothing but a repetition of past grievances and future hopes and present moments out of my control. Where is the meaning in all of that? Nowhere to be found.

My mind wearies of even trying. For the first time ever it actually turned off for a while the other night. Yes, my friends, it is not the well oiled piece of machinery it used to be. Obviously the alcohol has killed my little brain cells, though this particular brain turn offing was not coinciding with alcohol consumption.

I suppose I will have speaks with the fine counselor to appease my fine friend Stevie. Truth be told I have litle desire for anything to change right now. It is not that I no longer experience sorrow or joy, but rather that I no longer seem to care which I am presently engaged in. Anger alludes me because I have nothing figured out enough at this point to assert that my position is right. It is like I might have initial feelings still to any event, but after that I am no longer aware of any emotion (no longer experience any emotion?) I really don't know what I will say to the fine counselor who by now I believe has diagnosed me with about five types of insanity. That is pretty insane and she hasnt even seen me drunk.

I think I might be a little allergic to crickets as a food. Both times I have consumed them today I have felt slightly flushed/feverish for a while afterwards. It could just be coincidence Though my sources did say that those who try the witchety grub for the first time experience violent stomach spasms. This does not sound very pleasant to me though I ever so much want to try said grub because it sounds rather tasty to me.

Now I know what it is like to not be a "me" but a "them". "Them" referring to humankind.

Oh yeah... It was suggested to me that I might include some positive speculations and or have an entirely positive blog post at some point. Gasp! If I do have one of these in the near future I ask you to forgive me if it is too utterly boring or corny.

My happy thoughts are primarily of a corny or fucked up nature in general.

I feel hopeful that things have to work out. I don't know exactly how but the pieces seem to be in place to provide for a comfortably happy school year for me. I have progressed in many ways this year. I have learned to enjoy my own company and to accept criticism as an expression of another individual rather than neccesarily a reflection on my own self worth. I have learned how to lie in my bed and think again or go on a long chilled walk through the snow and enjoy its glitter alone. I have a genuine interest in everything I am learning... it has been a while since I have felt so passionate about school as I have these past few months. I have learned to enjoy people rather than worrying if they like me I just assume that they do. Yes, self improvement has been my primary concern of late. But at the same time I seem to have lost my moral compass. I trust myself almost too much if 'tis possible.

I look forward to general relaxation this evening and I am grateful that my boss forged my signature in order to get my timecard turned in on time. It honestly seems like a small miracle.

Also I had a modest, novel, and succesful party this past weekend. This makes me most happy. I hope that I will only continue to feel this comfy in large groups including people I do not know very well or at all.

That is really all I've got. My brain has not been functioning as of late.