some statements are true

I had the opportunity yesterday, and took it, to visit our dear old friend Mr.Vanicek. He seemed to like me alot more than usual. He seems to think there is a big difference between 19 & 20. He didnt even know i had been engaged, and thought that I hated boys or something, maybe because I always told him that they have cooties. So that was a fun story to tell. He seemed to think it was a good experience, and was quite glad that we had come to our senses in time. He also made a biggish deal about my 21st birthday coming up; he finished the conversation by saying "Youre the best", a statement I am sure I have never heard him say before. And in the words of the immortal Mr. Vanicek "Some statements are true, and some statements are false." I leave it up to you dear reader to determine the veracity of this particular statement, but for once the truth value of the statement didnt really concern me. It was just good to hear him say something other than "You know what I like about you?... Nothing."

In other news, Jess and David are picking me up this afternoon. I am not sure why I grow so attached to places, but I have already become reattached to this place and I am kind of sad to go. I feel like I failed everyone this break. My mother, my brother, my sister, Eddius, Shannon, Francis, and even Patrick. I will assume this is my insecurity, but I fear that it is more than that. My brain just doesnt seem to function on as high of a level as it used to. I get confused sometimes for no apparent reason, and the confusion usually leads to me being grumpy. The whole not caring about things I used to care about factors into this too, I am very self involved. I will very rarely feel strong emotion any more about somebody else and what they are saying, and when I start to it also makes me grumpy. The confusion may in part be due to me not caring enough to keep up with what is being said. So, in conclusion, I am often grumpy. I feel myself, see myself, pushing everybody away and I have to fight myself in order to not to. I cry myself to sleep most nights. Last night the room was definitely spinning at one point, and then I had one of those things where I was not in my body, and then I got this idea of jumping out in front of a car and being killed, I imagined it in detail up until I arrived at the hospital and then I was back. So yeah, I am definitely stable.

I am not going to be a hermit this next month, but I do want to spend a considerable amount of time alone, especially reading these C.S.Lewis books and writing. We shall see how that works out.