vital

the longer i don't write the more i feel like if i do write it has to be something very important

when i write every day any little thing comes out but when i dont write for a while i want to explain everything at once and perfectly

i feel so alive today

actually i have felt this alive for a few weeks now

not because i am in love; though i am

not because someone is in love with me; they are not

but because it is spring and i am young and love exists and maybe happiness and maybe hope yes definitely hope and life life everywhere and death death scaring me at night and making me think it is a good thing to live

am i more important now? do i have more value?

maybe feeling more important and valuable is the same as being more important and valuable.

maybe being liked by more people means something or maybe i think i am liked by more people and that means something.

it isnt clear. nothing is clear. and it is when i fall in love with the blur that i start to see beauty. the beautiful caught up in a blink or a word or a hug or the instance of recognizing somebody you haven't seen for a while and the genuine recognition and acceptance of the matter of the person an admission that "life has been good without you but i am still glad to see you again".

and that is all i have right now. no insight. no funny thing to say. though i have been saying many funny things lately. in my opinion. and people sometimes laugh.

but more importantly are the few people who actually care. the few people who actually get me. the few people who forgive me my weaknesses compliment my strengths and challenge me to be more than i can ever be because that is what i am in their eyes. i am an equal. i am a somebody. i can be skilled and beautiful and appreciated. and i can be alive without feeling guilty for not being dead. i can think that i improve something or someone or all things or everyone. i can think it. i can know it. i can know it isnt true and know it anyways. because there is the world when you are nobody. and then there is the world when you realize you are somebody to somebody.

and i guess i just wanted to admit that i didnt realize that for a while. that i was somebody to you guys. that i wasnt meaningless to you. that i had some effect positive or negative on your lives. i didnt realize that for a while. and i may have behaved irresponsibly or even disgracefully. and i might not be much better for a while.

but i am getting there. i am alive now. and that is a start.