leave-taking

It can no longer be said of Hope "she does not like to be alone." If anything I savor those few precious hours daily during which I maintain my individuality (if I find time for them). Then I wonder why I still can't stand to leave people at the end of the night. Why is no conversation long enough? Why is no number of hugs large enough? And I think I know... I think I have known for a while, but not realized the importance of this knowledge in understanding myself and therefore not bothered thinking much about it. Or I might have known completely once and then forgot for a while... I think that is rather likely. So yeah. But the thing of the thing is that it isn't being alone that I don't like, but rather the first few minutes after the separation.

When I say goodbye, and a person is suddenly gone, first and foremost I feel very sharply, almost like a physical severance, the removal of the energy (positive or negative) that the person brought me. When it was positive energy I miss the energy in the extreme (this is my least favorite part and a horrible feeling for me), but when it was negative I sigh with relief here. The quicker the goodbye is, the less time I have to brace myself for this loss of happiness and positive energy, and the more it hurts. A good solid goodbye that reassures me that overall the other person enjoyed my company is the best outcome for me.

Then I retrace the conversation focusing especially on what I see as the main points and highlights of what the other person said. This stage I usually enjoy. Then I think of places I could have done things or said things better. Generally here is where guilt is felt. Sometimes there is no guilt but rather a feeling of anger. Sometimes there is guilt and anger because I dont think there should be any guilt. At any rate, I go over in my mind what I should have done or said, and if I dont think that I should have done any differently I decide the other person was in the wrong. If I decide that I should have done something differently I make a mental note of it and then I apologize if I think an apology is in order.

This whole process takes a lot of doing and is sometimes... maybe not frequently but certainly enough that I dislike goodbyes... very unpleasant.