joy of joys

i've got about two shreds of sanity left, and i am pretty sure the cold night wind wants those too. perhaps, though, i don't care. pain is pain is pain... i learned that long ago. i am bigger than this. i am bigger than anything i have ever imagined. and, if i am scared a little by that i am going to just have to deal with it.

there will be no hiding. (as if hiding were possible for me.) there will be no carefully placed words or slightly altered truths. there will be no looking back. i will not say "i am weak" when we all know i am strong. too strong? scary? yes, i am scared of my own strength. no, i am not scared of anything or anyone. fuck you too. all of this. i owe nothing to pain. i owe no tears. i owe no grief. i owe nothing. there is no owing to be had.

i roar. i prowl. i strike. i feast. i do not look back and wonder what would have happened if i had treated the deer better. i am not a vegetarian. i am a lion. i am a monster. i am what some have called evil. but fuck feeling regret. fuck feeling sorrow. fuck not realizing what i have and feeling the full on power of what i am. i'll bite my mate, my fellow lion, my dangerous best friend. i'll run wild and free with him. i will forget the deer, all of them, all together in one big forgetting. i am bigger than logic. i will leave logic and sorrow and fear and regret for the humans and the deer and the antelope, and the other creatures i devour. i am animal. i roar.

"And do you want to run with my pack?
Do you want to ride on my back?
Pray that what you lack does not distract

And even when you run through my mind
Something else is in front, oh, you're behind
And i don't have to remind you to stick with your kind"

-Joanna Newsom, Book of Right On