some things to be said
So, I think Sabi might have been right when he suggested I might be having a psychotic break. Not only have I been mumbling, singing, and talking to myself almost constantly when I am alone, but I have also started just blurting things out, These "things" are mostly nonsensical and have nothing or little to do with anything around me or consciously inside my head. This has been going on for at least three months, getting progressively worse. In addition, this week I started seeing things. Actually I would describe these "things" as a glow left after a split second after a person has been in a spot. At first I thought I might label them as ghosts or angels, but not so. Actually they are more like auras, though so far they have all been the same shade of yellow with a slight tint of green sometimes orange. My conclusion... my eyes are tired.
Think back to Freshman year of college, those of you who knew me then. Sweet little innocent Hope :P I had a friend named Christopher Reeves, he liked to be called Cid. There were two things he told me he was going to convince me of over the following four years of college. He was going to convince me that there is such a thing as an aura, and that there is no such thing as free will. By the by, he failed. Anywho, if this continues I might have to believe in the whole aura thing, you know, because of the whole seeing-is-believing bull crud.
But, Free Will is my religion. Now some of you may think I am faithful to nothing and nobody, but let me tell you, I will not betray the trust of the sacred Free Will. For anything else I am open to logical or even just plain opinionated suggestions about the complete opposite of what I believe being true, but here's the thing, and this "thing" is that I know Free Will doesn't make any sense but I have faith anyways. Yes, I believe in it even more strongly than Love. In fact, I think Love is pretty much a mushy-hearted-and-headed bitch who wants all the sex, security, bad cuddling, and money you can throw at her. Don't get me wrong, I love that slut, she gives good head, but c'mon. She's fucked me up bad, and then slept with my worst enemy. She's inconsistent and passionate and that's what I love about her, but if you want someone who'll be there for you in the morning... take Free Will. He's the guy who wakes me up in the morning and whispers "we could stay in bed all day," and I like that in a man.
So as long as that's perfectly clear, I think I can go on having my psychotic break with a clear conscience now. Thank you for your time.
posted by Hope @ 6:38 AM
3 Comments:
Keeping the fingers busy in case you find something important to say?
The notion of God and free clash quite bit in my view of them, but I don't how important that "big plan" concept is in your view or whether it's there at all. I mean I can see rationalizations for them working, but it seems lessen free will impact. Others may disagree about the of the effects or whether or not them being known a head of time lessen it. I don't think we ever really talked about specific beliefs. Mostly it was just the ocasional why. As I understood it at the time I understood it mainly as comfort, but that doesn't sound much like you these days. Did I mis-interpret? Have your your religious beliefs changed? Is this just an exception?
Anyway on the topic of love I'll just defer to song. Did I ever get around sending you cynically yours by amy rigby? Did you check out the Pipettes? I thoguht you were a major oldies fan, but I don't specifically recall why. I'm also not sure if you like the whole 1 gimmick just pushed rediculously far sorta attitude. My cynicism on the issue might just come from my detachment at the moment. Situation's too awkward to persue anything for the time being. What happened to that plan to find me a girlfriend?
i've been looking for a girlfriend for you, but i haven't found anyone good enough yet. Besides it is a bit harder with you not being around here any more. If I found someone she would have to be willing to relocate. Let's just face it... i suck at the whole finding girlfriends thing in general. I suppose it's in the stars for me to suck at such things. The only girlfriend i ever found was Kimly, kind of.
Actually in my experience Christians argue a lot that God and Free Will are compatible, that the "big plan" is optional and that in fact that is why it is so important to talk to Him and be close to Him so that you can understand His Will and follow it. Not that I am specifically Christian most days. I feel most beliefs are just believing what you want to be true to be true, and Christianity is convenient because you can join a whole lot of other people that will accept you and support you for believing those beliefs to be true, not to mention the long history of Christians making ideas that are not at first compatible (God and Free Will) into almost believably compatible ideas.
This comes to another important point, I am very careful what I believe in and this is why. I think our Power for Creation is what life is all about, and I think our beliefs and ideas Create our Self and our Life. Though the Creating is the most important thing in all this (my idea of Creating being all caught up in my idea of having the Free Will to Create something uniquely You) the creation is almost equally important.
Now, there is the facticity to deal with in all this. I have a certain past and certain personality traits whether developed or born with to deal with. I also have my physical self and where a physical self such as my self fits into this society. I have found that in the Creating of my Self I need to pay very close to this facticity, I need to make sure that the colors I am adding to my Self blend in with or better yet enhance what is already there. Free Will is one idea that consistently adds shine to Me, if that makes any sense.
Your first question confused me at first, because I knew I was supposed to be making some connection. But finally I made it, and I thought you quite clever indeed. That's one of the many things I like about You. Not only do you allude to my homeskillet Kurt Vonnegut, but you also make valid point throughout this post. My ideas are in fact inconsistent, which is why I find it so hard to stick to any one set of ideas, because almost any two beliefs in some original combination (hence original Creation) will be inconsistent logically. Logic is a particular realm of Creation of which I am rather fond.
Suffice it to say, that this is why I can have only one firm belief. This is why Free Will is the only thing I hold onto, and consistently build all my other ideas off of. Usually, Love is added second. Because, I'm not bitter. Oh no, not me.
Honestly I am just so glad to hear your comments and am enjoying responding to them. It makes me feel like I matter, or something.
Oh yeah, and I am a major oldies fan. I've prolly said it a million times, that's prolly why you thought it. No you didn't send me that song, but I will go find it. Thanks!
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