I heart

Some of you have expressed some concern over my last post. Due to my distrust in and lack of skill in metaphor, you may have thought I was talking about feasting on you. That's understandable considering, and maybe that is what I was talking about. But really I think I am more concerned with my many selves than with any of you when I write on this blog.

Granted, I am no victim. I am no lion. I am what I am. I don't deserve anything, and I don't believe you do either. It is a weak creature indeed who would believe that it is weak or boast that it is strong. I am not always strong, and I thank all of you who have been there for me in my weaker moments.
I don't believe in metaphors, and words are metaphors. I do believe in meaning and that words and metaphors have phatic meanings. I think you get what you want to get out of them. In a way what you get out of my poems and words are more a reflection of you than my self.

But in this post, on the much hated Day of Valentine's, I want to actually speak to you and about our connection. If I have made that promise, "I love you," then I will do my best to keep your best interests in mind, but not because you deserve it. I will love you and i will treat you accordingly because I think you are awesome and I want to fill you with the joy you have given me. I will love you and treat you accordingly even when you hurt me, and even when you very clearly don't deserve it. I will love you because you are you. That's part of what I think love is. It doesn't matter how much you have given or not given me. It doesn't matter to my love if you have struggled for me or if you have revealed yourself to me. I once thought like that, but not so much any more. For many years I have not understood why I give so much and yet people give me so little. I have not understood why people feel like they owe me so much, are so afraid to hurt me. I have learned that I can take the pain and that people hurt you whether you deserve it or not. Love is not a system of give and take. That's a lie. If love were about getting, then you would get what you were manipulative enough to get.

I am manipulative. I can spot manipulative people. I will allow them to manipulate me sometimes, but if they get out of line or seem to abuse their power over me, others, and self... I quickly lose interest. I manipulate willing participants only. I am openly manipulative. I accept that I am manipulative and skilled in manipulation. I like people I am incapable of manipulating without permission. I love people who manipulate me in a positive way, and who let me manipulate them positively. I do not like it when people don't realize how much they powerfully manipulate those around them, and therefore use their manipulative powers without proper respect for those powers. I really don't like people who underestimate how good I am at dodging these powers. How many tricks I know so well. More disclaimers: I am talking about nobody specific in this paragraph but rather more generally about my own preferences and weaknesses.


I have come to believe that in the end you only deserve what you are capable of getting, and you are not capable of getting love, only experiencing it.


So know that today, if I have ever loved you, I love you now. I want the best for you. I feel sad when I hear that you are sad. But, as for me I am going to be happy. It is my hope that you will be happy for me, but you don't owe it to me.

Don't believe anything I try to say or cause you to feel unless you want it. If you believe nothing else Francis, Shannon, Eddius, Rose, John, Sabi, Rosbert, Quinton, Fro, Arlo, Ben, Marc, Ruby, Monkey, Chris, Jizzy, Jessi, Ratrick, and Stevie...please believe that I do love you. Whatever else it is I mean by love, at least know that you fill me with indescribable joy and interest me deeply. I think you are beautiful. I write on this blog to try to make a connection with you. I wish you all the best, and I want to bring you joy and interesting times.