blind

"A blind man has few friends; a blind man who has recently received his sight has, in a sense, none." C.S. Lewis

This is how I feel coming from being in a relationship blind to other possibilities and then coming out full blown into the world of singleness and understanding nothing of how the world works. I know I have many friends but I dont think any of them really pretend to understand. Though some of them do remember going through similar things.

It is so exciting to be single again... merely because it has been so long and it is something that I thought (knew?) that I would never get to do again. I often wished I had met Evan later in college and been single for more time. It is the single people for all their bitching about loneliness who have the most fun in college (in life?). And yet I am not going to say I did not prefer the safety and beauty of being in love.

I had a dream last night that I got back together with Evan. I woke up thinking I would be in pain. But then nothing. I am not saying that I wouldnt take Evan back in a heartbeat still if he so wanted. But I am saying that the prospect of living single for a while has gotten to be just as exciting to me. Who knows where I am going next but I dont even care right now. Life is so enjoyable in general right now. Even the pain is a new experience I welcome.

Ha. I have never much understood pain. Why I like it so much sometimes and hate it so much other times. Why the human race has decided as a whole that pain is its enemy. I just dont see it. Pain lets me know when things are going wrong. Things go wrong all the time.. it is natural. So all I am left with is that pain is unpleasant. However, I think pain being unpleasant is mostly psychological. Once I determine in my mind that the pain is not so bad it just becomes another sensation just like all the other sensations. There is nothing unique about the sensation of pain that makes it necessarily bad to me except when I am fighting it. My prof said that pain is by definition bad... and posed the question of people on morphine saying "i still feel pain but I dont mind it any more" and whether if they didnt mind it if it was pain at all. And I say yes. I say it is a wrong definition to say pain is a sensation which is naturally avoided. If anything human beings in general ask for pain just by getting out of bed in the morning... just by continuing to live. Then of course there is masochism... or those people who genuinely enjoy pain. I myself subscribe to this excepting the fact that I dont like so much pain wherein I start thinking it might be unhealthy. So I contend that most of the unpleasant nature of pain comes to us psychologically and not from the actual sensations.

Now that you all know that I am a freak I leave you to ponder my freakishness.