me

I think that throughout my life I have been trying to stay true to, to maintain sameness in, my soul as it were. Not really having a clear idea of what I believe this soul to be for all practical purposes I will say only that my soul is who I am. It isnt what I think, or do, or feel... I think it is greatly affected by what I believe... what it just is me. I have tried to stay true to it in everything I have done. It surprises me to realize that I think I have. Even though there are huge chunks of time I dont know who I am. Even though I have done so many things I never thought I would do. Even though some of you have stated that college really has corrupted me. In the end I keep the same wide eyed innocence throughout my first orgies as throughout my first crushes. I keep that same hunger for knowing people. That same sense of humor about everything whether it is good or bad. I keep that faith in people and goodness and some combination of the two. I still love Valentine's Day. I still enjoy losing track of the time because I am lost in a conversation. I still want to run wild and free and wade in creeks and walk on ice and make snow angels. I still want to play with clay and fingerpaint. I might watch some porn now and then... but I watch 101 Dalmatians almost every night. I haven't changed. I haven't become bitter. A bit more cautious sometimes a lot more scared but I am still motivated by the exact same things and I think my motivations are good.

That being said... I have been told that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And I dont know what exactly to do about that sometimes. It isnt that I think this statement is false, or that it doesnt apply to me, or that it doesnt make sense. I think my problem with this statement is that I certainly dont think that the way to Heaven is paved with bad intentions. I think good intentions are exactly that... good. And if you are intending to do good and youre messing up a bunch how exactly could a good God send you to eternally suffer? I just don't buy that. The problem lies of course when one acts against his or her good intentions or when one's good intentions are misguided. As for being misguided the only thing that a person can do is try to know as much as possible as often as possible before making a decision and I do that. So in the end if I am misguided to what degree is that my fault and to what degree is that God's fault for making me human? As a point of fact I very very rarely act against my good intentions, and I think overall I do alot of good things. I make alot of people happy that is. But come to think I don't think that this is really what Christianity is about at all. Happiness has very little to do with it. In fact a good Christian might arguably be quite unhappy, and it is in fact a sign of God's approval if he is putting you through trials. So I am left puzzled. Should I continue to try to gain happiness for myself and others being sure not to gain only temporary and foolish happiness but rather the happiness gained from full living and acceptance of unhappiness? Or should I focus instead on living on the straight and narrow, wisely and morally, and ignore happiness of any type for a while? In the end I know there is little question in my mind that I must do the former, but I must wonder if this makes me a bad person.