wanton

So apparently I flirt with everyone. And apparently flirting is just being friendly. And apparently it is hard for some people to be friendly. And I hate large groups of people.

I mean I love them because they energize me somehow and I get to pretend like I belong for a little while. But I hate them because I dont ever feel like I can quite find where I belong in them. I flit from person to person that I actually do know and try my best to make some kind of flimsy connection in the midst of what my brain can only process as utter chaos. I become happy, partially because that is the only image I seem to be able to maintain in any form, and partially from the sudden rush of energy that I obtain from interacting with other people. Ironically it is exhausting in the end to have so much energy. I feel excited because I am playing a million roles and then I become weary from trying to maintain them. To still be who each person knows me as even though I can't be who I normally am. Never do I realize how many different people I am until I am in a large group setting. I think it is this energy, this desire to connect, that comes across as friendliness or flirting... only my desperate attempts at actually fitting in for once.

I wonder if friendship is a good idea on any level, and why we don't question it more often. It seems to be one of those immortal truths that friends enrich your life... when really all the enrichment many friendships bring they get recompensated for by sucking me dry. If friendship, love, monogamy, hope, faith, God Himself are in question... what matters after that? One could imagine a society where all interactions with other human beings were strictly impersonal business. It might be nice. But I dont want nice... I want everything.

Reason itself in the end falls flat on its face and becomes strictly meaningless... like moneys. I find myself going to my friends and trying to exchange my currency for theirs and ending up with something that never quite adds up for me. (Oh my metaphors). I am saying simply put that as little as I understand myself at least I often understand my "reasoning" even if it is primitive at best. When speaking with others I cannot even begin to see what they think is reasonable about certain of their actions that I could never myself perceive as reasonable. And in the end does being reasonable really make something right? If there was a perfectly reasonable being would he be God? I think humans are constantly a few feet short of reason. I think we do the best we can with limited knowledge. I dont think that human beings are capable of being reasonable. And perhaps the whole concept of "reasonable" should be replaced by "it makes sense to me based off of what I know."

Some people said some hurtful things to me this past week. I dont think I am going to recover from certain blows any time soon, and I dont think they care if I do really. It is just as well. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" is a thing of the past the new phrase is "The whiny wheel gets left behind." But maybe they will be better back there.

All I know in the end is that there is only so much I can do to make people happy. I try to respect their choices and feelings and reasonings but in the end I am the one who feels guilty and noone cares. My choices, my feelings, my reasonings necesarily get shelved in my attempts to appease what I can only perceive as misguided behavior. People who cant handle the truth shouldnt ask for it. And people who want me to make them feel special can never realize how much i am trying to do that for everyone all of the time.

There comes a time when enough is enough and I have tried my hardest too many times and I dont really give up but i am exhausted and my best effort is certainly not being made.