stalking

I am told that nobody minds when I stalk them. Barge! I should drive fear into the hearts of all. My cruelty and hussiness should be known for miles around. Sometimes it feels like I can do no wrong... and then it falls apart and everybody is upset with me in some form.

I am creepy according to some. This bothers me as much as it humors me.

But if I am really creepy... then why don't people mind me stalking them? I heard once that if the other person likes you then the stalking is considered courting... and if they don't then it is stalking. Why do people like me? It disturbs me somehow. It makes me to become arrogant and careless in my old age. People lose meaning when too many of them are around. When I am trying to make everybody happy, I necessarily make everybody miffed. Because each individual would like to be my ultimate object of affection. Each individual cares nothing about the feelings of all of the other persons I am trying to balance in the mix.

All I know is that it has been a longly while since I have found somebody as fond of words as I am. And not only that but enjoys them in the same way that I do... for their sounds as well as their meanings. And to find such a person excites me deep down inside in a way that worries me. And I am reduced to the obsessive person I am apt to be. I seek them out without meaning to. My thoughts constantly are channeling an infinite loop of elated uncertainties. Could I fall in love? I think so at this point. Could somebody fall in love with me? I doubt it but I want it to be so. And then the thoughts related in this paragraph repeat.

At what point is one person worth more than others such that our society justifies it as "love"? Is it when we hate even our own family in order to follow Jesus? Or is it the moment we "fall"? Falling indeed is a mere letting go at this point. I know it could come any minute and I am holding on to rationality with all of my mental strengths. Because the last thing that I need right now is to "fall" to let go and completely care. But I want it so badly.

Please don't read any of this any more if it is going to upset you. It is not my intention to offend, but I have no intention of starting another blog. This blog has been opened for the purposes of me and my complaints. It has been so and it will be so.

In the end, all I know is that I feel like things will be resolved soon. Life might return to some sort of balance or normalcy soon. I might miss the excitement, but I will not miss the uncertainty. That is indeed if things ever do return to "normal"... if it is even possible at this point. I just definitely feel like I am on the edge of a cliff preparing to dive off... calculating my chances of survival. Slim to none. Deep breath in. I don't know if my parachute is functional and even if it is I must be careful. 3...2...1...