cover girl

So I spent the larger part of my day watching a bunch of girls compete to be the top cover girl model or some such. I realize that more and more I am watching these type of shows. I think, aside from it being pathetic, it is indeed to my advantage. In this year as I shape who I am, I long to know that it is possible to transform into something. Similarly for instance I watch "What Not to Wear". I have realized finally that while it is not my top priority to look good, that it should be important. I should be able to present myself, and to take pride in what I present. I should be able to look at beautiful women and see my equals. It is slowly happening. I am slowly starting to look into the mirror and react with the same admiration as I would for any other person. It is not about being vain, it is about seeing myself as something worthwhile.

Also, the weather today was gorgeous and I took full advantage of this by taking a long steady walk.

I want to stop trying to remove my flaws, and instead concentrate on improving my skills. I think the flaws will become faded and then disappear if all my concentration is being put into improvement. As I once said, everyone has an image, and I want to make that image as true to myself as possible but you dont go around flaunting your flaws. I want to take the good parts and show those off a little. I want to just ignore the flaws for a while, a thing which I have never done. If done wrong I think ignoring flaws could spiral into a bad thing, but if I am careful I think this route will be better over all. Maybe I am not the most prepared for the real world, maybe I dont see myself as the most social bug under the rug, maybe I lack this so called "charisma" but I can act prepared, social, and charismatic. And after all that is what all actions are, acting. And I notice the more I act in a certain way the more I feel that certain way, and the more I feel that certain way the more I am that certain way. It's just a thought, but I think it might work out.

Control. A thing I love above all else. A thing I am too quick this year to pretend I have none of just because I do not have as much as I would like. "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference." That basically sums it up.

I would like to thank, once again, all yall who helped me through the first part of this year. I pray, and hope, that I will never need so much help again.