Indeed

I grow tired of always putting myself out there. Of making the effort to be what everybody is looking for me to be. Of always doing the "right" thing or the "smart" thing, because I have been given "morals" and I am "intelligent". What has a lifetime of careful decision making given me, besides regret and guilt? I have overanalyzed myself out of any happiness there is to be attained in such and such a life in such and such a world. My every decision, my every sentence, has become something I must defend upon my honor. I grow weary of thinking of thinking from every angle from trying to predict who will be upset and who will be happy from what decision of mine. I wonder why I even want people to like me, or care about me, or trust me, or anything for that matter besides entertain me or interest me. I wonder why I must always be so careful, never screw up, because of my IQ and my conscience. Ignorance is bliss, and I could chose ignorance. But instead I continue to acknowledge my logic and my morality. I continue to strive towards self actualization as I perceive it. I intend to be perfect some day... or die still trying... still fighting passionately up to my last breath. But, I mess up. I mess up because even though I know some things or wrong, or I know somethings might not be wise, I am human... and I have my weaknesses. I have my many weaknesses and temptations. Sometimes the decision I come to with my logic doesnt seem to make sense to my self. Sometimes what I have decided is wrong, doesnt feel wrong in the moment. And, yes, this is something I can change, but I make no promises about it changing over night. I make no promises at all any more, every promise is a "pie crust promise" "easily made easily broken". I can tell you I can try, but I do not believe in trying. "Do or do not, there is no try." If I am ready to change it then I change it completely. If not, chances are, no amount of trying is going to get me anywhere. All peoples' well meant concern only brings me guilt. I have already come to the same conclusions they have, in fact I have predicted their reactions and the guilt I would feel as a result of those reactions. I have played through my mind what "trying" would entail but in the moment it would be like me "trying" to dance in public. I tell my body to move and it does not respond. I am not as intelligent as you take me to be, and I am a sinner. But, all of these, I know are just excuses, but it doesnt stop me from making them. The reason is that I have made these decisions; I have made them based off of my beliefs not my thoughts. And the only reason I excuse them or feel guilty for them is because of how others might react. I must fight my own battles now. I am digging my grave, and eventually I will lie in it. And when I do, I will be proud of it, because it was my choice, not yours not theirs not my parents not the voice my parents instilled into my thoughts, but mine. And any consequences resulting from such actions I am fully prepared to take without any sympathy or comfort from any one of you. I am changing; I have changed. I need to take care of myself now. I think in my masochistic way I am sabotaging my own life constantly, but it is only through taking the pain full on myself instead of sharing it with others that I will realize the full power of that pain and learn to avoid it. My mother always said I should learn from her so that I wouldnt have to learn "the hard way". But perhaps "the hard way" is the only way this stubborn soul of mine can learn.