imbroglio

My life is in shambles. I feel largely nothing. I am happy at random times while doing random things. I regret nothing. I wonder if I am a bad person, because I no longer feel guilty for anything I do. I think I am becoming a narcissist not in the funny old Hope way but in the serious disorder kind of way. I want to talk about myself and I want people to be happy so that they will say nice things about me. I don't really feel any emotions except fear of the loss of this acceptance. A narcissist does not have to have a high self esteem. In fact a narcissist only will associate with people they think they can trick for a little while. A narcissist always knows it will end soon. A narcissist also is not very deep intellectually because all they are really interested in is their self. (Maybe I have a little bit of every disorder in the book. That would be the easy answer.) Yeah I profess to hate myself. Yeah I try to push people away and tell them not to be my friend. But in our current society I have found that there is no better way to keep a friend. People will guilt theirselves into staying friends with you long after the pleasant reasons that originally attracted them to the friendship are gone. All this in the name of loyalty. I am above all else manipulative. I need people to support me and currently I would do anything to keep those people. Yeah there is great stuff in it for them such as special favors and the like. In the end though if they want an intellectual actual conversation I suggest they look elsewhere. I don't even know how to have one of those any more. But then why am I telling you? Because I am honest. It is easier in fact to manipulate people with honesty than with deceit. If you are honest to people they trust you. It is easier to get a person who trusts you to do what you want. "Honestly it is the honest ones that you have to look out for." (I dont know if I got that quote right). So why would I ruin my entire plot? Because I am sick of being this especially to people so wonderful as you guys. I am sick of myself and I am sick of my self-centered little world. I am trying to change. I really don't know how. I want to have an actual conversation with someone, but I really don't know how those work. I used to discuss writing and philosophy. I want to discuss those things again. I am scared. All the time I am scared of losing my friends and of being a bad person. I don't want to be scared any more.