magic in my pocket

I feel a little bit of pain today, which is a relief. I also still feel like things at the moment are not that bad... pain is not that bad. I am alive and while I might not be succeding I don't think you could actually say I am failing either. I have enough friends to wonder if I might be a decent sort of human being. I am doing well enough at everything I do to wonder if I am slightly intelligent and talented. I have a comfortable bed and food in my belly.

All I have really lost recently are future things. Screw the future.

If my friends want to leave me then they will leave me. I am not making it any better by being worried about it. I remember living life largely worry free. Maybe I misremember. All I know is that water is still mighty wet and when a fellow is hungry he still likes his vittles. I also know that there are several flies in my room and Scarface is a depressing movie. I expected so much better out of Tony. I always expect so much better. For all my talk of not believing people will stay my friends... for all my logical reasoning that I shouldn't trust them... in the end I expect them to be there the next day. In the end I expect more out of my friends than humanity. My expectations are too high and my need is too strong. And yet somebody tells me "You have magic in your pocket". It is the magic that keeps people. Some kind of powerful hypnotic "look at me I may be screwed up and my life may be fucked up but have you ever truly met anybody like me before? Don't you think you could help? Don't you think you could be among the chosen few who live up to my expectations? Give it a try... you are more than human to me." I say all this without even meaning to somehow. I make people happy at my best... I annoy people with my neediness at my worst.

I just hope that I have some magic left.