Well...

Can you dig it?

I am moved into my box now. I suppose it is best to get used to living in one now, so's that when I gradgtate in a year and have to live in one for the remainder of my meager existence I will be used to it... and if you can't reduce the bad in your life at least you can get used to it... derngum it!

Everything is too good. I am doing too many things right. And, I am just afraid that if I reach that balance then I will have to tear up everything in a rage of chaos and then start over. Truth is, kids, Hope doesn't know if people in general don't actually want to be happy, but she knows that she doesn't. It just feels wrong... or like she is exposed or vulnerable? The happy ones are the ones with something to lose. And I don't know if I can take another loss. I love. And I am. And I am loved. And I don't need people to love me. And there isn't much I do need at this point. I am strong. I know I am strong. I love myself. How strange to love someone who has been so estranged from me for so long that I don't even recognize her as I sneak into her and glimpse her out of the corner of my eyes or she burrows into my heart but I accept her back with utter calm confidence as if she was coming back all along on such and such a date, and I knew it all along. I don't want to lose her again. And it is the not wanting to lose her, as the not wanting to lose others, that chases her away. It is the need that leaves me without what I need. If I do not need then I have all that I need.

How long can this last? How strange it is to look into your eyes again, and see only a fellow traveler looking back with a story to tell?

How old am I? And how young and vital? How ignorant? How wise?

"How" replaces "why" overnight. I no longer wonder at the cause but the actual effect intrigues me. As if the end has come already. As if I am far away from myself looking back and judging and finding myself suddenly and unexpectedly pleased.

How did it come to this?

Another hug... another laugh... another interesting and beautiful day... until interesting becomes common and beautiful becomes ordinary. How long can happiness support itself without being abandoned for bigger and better ideas?