Snafu

Situation normal- all fucked up.

My esteemed and gracious readers... I am noticing a pattern here. I don't learn from my mistakes. I think perhaps this stems from the relatively little importance I place on pain and happiness. See most people splash some ole oil on their hands at taco john's and they think "hmmm that hurt" and it doesnt happen so much again, but that doesnt happen for me. I evaluate a decision based on some logic and some emotion, but not on fear of pain or hope for happiness. And then I am constantly surprised when the same decisions result in pain.

So I definitely was back with Evan for a few days there, dear readers. Nothing much was lost there except a little bit of time and a lot of pride. I guess I learn in that I dont fuck up quite so badly each time. So yeah.

On a happier note, I am happy despite the decrease in pride and self-respect. Amorrow I get to go see "A Midsummer Night's Dream". This Friday is the day of St. Patrick! Next Saturday I am receiving my car, and we are going to have a Scrabble party!!! On the 29, I believe, Spring break starts. Bespinosa, Rosbert, Freddy, and I are going to New York City, via Chicago, Buffalo, and Ithaca, for a roadly trip. Then April 9 is Jess' birthday. Then April 17 is Shannon's? Then April 26 I turn 21!!!! All in all these next few months should prove to be great fun.

Fuck yeah!!!!!

leave-taking

It can no longer be said of Hope "she does not like to be alone." If anything I savor those few precious hours daily during which I maintain my individuality (if I find time for them). Then I wonder why I still can't stand to leave people at the end of the night. Why is no conversation long enough? Why is no number of hugs large enough? And I think I know... I think I have known for a while, but not realized the importance of this knowledge in understanding myself and therefore not bothered thinking much about it. Or I might have known completely once and then forgot for a while... I think that is rather likely. So yeah. But the thing of the thing is that it isn't being alone that I don't like, but rather the first few minutes after the separation.

When I say goodbye, and a person is suddenly gone, first and foremost I feel very sharply, almost like a physical severance, the removal of the energy (positive or negative) that the person brought me. When it was positive energy I miss the energy in the extreme (this is my least favorite part and a horrible feeling for me), but when it was negative I sigh with relief here. The quicker the goodbye is, the less time I have to brace myself for this loss of happiness and positive energy, and the more it hurts. A good solid goodbye that reassures me that overall the other person enjoyed my company is the best outcome for me.

Then I retrace the conversation focusing especially on what I see as the main points and highlights of what the other person said. This stage I usually enjoy. Then I think of places I could have done things or said things better. Generally here is where guilt is felt. Sometimes there is no guilt but rather a feeling of anger. Sometimes there is guilt and anger because I dont think there should be any guilt. At any rate, I go over in my mind what I should have done or said, and if I dont think that I should have done any differently I decide the other person was in the wrong. If I decide that I should have done something differently I make a mental note of it and then I apologize if I think an apology is in order.

This whole process takes a lot of doing and is sometimes... maybe not frequently but certainly enough that I dislike goodbyes... very unpleasant.

Fruck

Wouldn't it be fruckin' awesome if there was some belief that meant that I could be more than human? That I could be Godly? That I could be anything at all?

Yep. And my friends... that belief exists inside my tiny little brain.

And I do mean tiny. Look how tiny I am. How tiny the life that I lead is.

"It's all right to be itty bitty... might as well smile... life goes on for an itty bitty while."

paper tiger

it isnt that i like confrontation... or being a bitch... or whatever. It just feels like I am being fake otherwise. Whenever I say nice things, whenever I am called a "sweetheart" (as I have been many times over) I feel like the biggest fake in the world. In the end though the confrontational bitch Hope is also fake, a paper tiger as it were. I dont want to hurt people as much as I want to be truthful and funny. Yes, it has been said and it is true that I derive some satisfaction out of watching people squirm. Perhaps this is my one sadistic quality, or maybe it is more masochistic than anyone realizes. I don't like it when people like me; it feels fake. I would rather they were upset with me and didnt like me so at least I knew that I had really had some effect on them in some way. I set myself up to be knocked down, I constantly sabotage any good relationship I happen to have in my life, because I dont think I deserve any of it. I think that if anyone really knew who I was, my real thoughts, they would hate me. As my parents would tell you... I am selfish. I just want attention. I tease my brother and sister too much.... I cannot tell you people how many times I went to Confession at my church and said "I am grateful for God's forgiveness especially when I tease my brother and sister." I was a good kid, but this was my one flaw. But looking back I think I kind of needed it. For those of you who know anything about psychology, especially of the alcoholic's household, I was the scapegoat. I had to be the bad kid, only I didnt have the heart to do anything really actually bad. So now I don't know how to interact socially; I've got fruckin' social anxiety disorder for fuck's sake. I am trying my best, but I am becoming discouraged that I either have to not really relax and have fun, or I automatically become a stupidhead bitch. How does one change what they find funny? How do freaks like me ever fit in?
Part of the social anxiety disorder, and something that I have always had, is that I feel like I am missing some essential thing that all other people have. If I could only attain that thing then I could fit in. Sometimes it's charisma that I think I lack and sometimes it is wisdom and sometimes it is tact... I can't even quite figure out what it is I am missing, but there is something. I am always slightly off. I am much better, if you have ever noticed, at one on one interaction. I almost kind of have it figured out, and though I can slip into my bitch mode I usually go into philosopher or psychologist or counselor mode. I feel far less threatened by one other person than by a group.
I don't know. In the end this is a cycle. Things in my life suck, and I learn how to deal with it. Things get a little better and I am ecstatic about it. Life is good for a while and I start to get sad inside. I start to think I don't deserve any of it, and to realize how quickly I could lose what I have. It is stupid, but once again I havent figured out how to get control over it.
With a tough class next block, little to no progress made in my job search, and a boyfriend that I cannot figure out at all, I think that my stress level is rather high right now. I feel that in general I am doing most things wrong lately, and I am starting to try too hard which is never good.