A Whole New World

Time for real authentic Hope talk.

The time in Vermont seriously changed me. My memory all of the sudden works visually instead of verbally. I have vivid daydreams. It’s like I am my seven-year-old self again. I don’t know why or how this happened, but it did. I came back feeling like I had been given a new life. I quit my job a few days later. I felt confident to take on anything. I was completely sure I could find a new and better job.

But this confidence was not to last. I have truthfully only applied to one job, though I keep meaning to apply to Target as well.

However, my thinking has still been expanded. I see the world with new eyes. It contains so many possibilities, and there are so many different lives I could live. It makes me sick to think that I am confined by so many fears.

Another result of my time in Vermont was a lot of healing. I thought seriously about things such as my mom’s surgery and my breakup with Evan. I remembered painful memories and happy memories that now are painful. I got over things that I was ignoring for years. I have memories pretty consistently now that I haven’t had for years. I felt strong. But, now I feel worthless. I feel like I want to be brilliant and beautiful, and all I am is me. I need the confidence back. I need to succeed. I will not fail or suck at life. I won’t.

Will I?

Truthishly

So... my trip to Vermont has come and gone. It was amazing. Probably the most life-changing and good-for-me event in a longly while.

I quit working at Taco Bell, but never fear. I have already paid this month's rent, and I have next month's rent. So really I have a month to find another job. Worst case scenario I'll end up at the BK next door. I couldn't keep working there. They were screwing me over. They kept saying my drawer was like $8 short and only one time did it turn out to be (which is still a mystery to me) and so I kept having to pay them. Their business practices were rather shady, and they tried to pin the mysterious occurences on me. One day my manager actually "lost" a whole drawer ($80). And besides, I hated the job and it took all the creative energy out of me. Still I felt the need to explain my choice with this whole paragraph. So as happy as I feel, I must feel somewhat guilty.

Anywho, I want to find a job that will actually be enjoyable, do meaningful things, and (hey!) maybe even use my college education.

Also, I need to do better at life.