I've been doing pretty well at this whole not overreacting thing for a while now. I think that's because if I start to get sad I can always just go off and be alone for a while. I've had alone time by the plenties this summer, and it has allowed me to think many things through.
Yes... I am embarassed that I miss Rosbert. I am embarassed that I love him, despite the fact that he can't or won't love me. I consider it a weakness that I still love him, and that I can't just be happy where I am. Maybe I shouldn't be embarassed, but I am. And every time I tell him in an email, or on the phone, or usually through an instant messenger of some sort that I miss him... every time I tell him I might come visit him some time this summer... he has no reaction whatsoever. As he would put it "I'm a newt", signifying of course that he is neutral. Which means that he is stronger than this whole missing thing. This relationship is not supposed to last. So why am I dragging it out over a summer and long distantly? Long distance relationships being as a general rule rather pointless. The reason is that I was supposed to spend this summer getting over being in love with him and stopping it. And I've tried. I haven't thought about him much. I've made new friends. I've done all the normal break uppy things in order to get over him. But I guess the hope remains as long as the break up is imaginary and not official. And I guess as long as the hope remains I still remain in love. It was always thus. But all of this is not such a large issue as you, dear reader, might think. It is more like a minor grievance. It's that self-pity fall back or my justification for any sadness I might feel this summer. My love, my hope, my missing, my embarassment... they are all weaknesses. They leave me feeling exposed.
But my largest weakness is one that I do apparently subconsciously or at least without realizing it and especially when drunk. My largest weakness is my flirting. I am learning lines, and I am not crossing them any more, but I doubt that I will soon live down my past harlotry. But the curiousity and desire remain. It's a whole new field, my sexuality/attractiveness/flirtatiousness, in that I know relatively little about it. And this year has been spent in shameless experimentations meant only to confirm or deny that I could indeed have many fine upstanding gentleman if I wanted to. And the lesson learnt was that sex is as incredibly easy to find, even for me, perhaps especially for me with my lack of moral compass, as the storybooks say. Companionship even, true friendship, is also more easily found than I once thought. People that I can genuinely enjoy and respect and become awestruck by are there. I still am capable of falling in love. All of these come back to me as positive results. However, I have discovered that love is harder to come by, especially in the type of guy I admire the most, than even I had ever imagined.
I am flawed because I see emotions as weaknesses... mostly just getting in the way of logic and screwing things up. However, I also see passionate emotion and non-robotry as the only real way to live. Therefore, my ideal is someone who feels many emotions deeply, but does not let them effect big decisions. The guys I end up admiring the most have complete control of their emotions, such that they don't necessarily have any emotions, and are what I in my bitterness sometimes think of as "robots". Finding the balance will be key in the future. But with so many other things to pursue I am tiring of this quest. Mayhap I will end up a single bitter old woman like I always figured I would. At any rate, the first step in all this prolly won't happen for a while. Step one is getting past this whole Rosbert thing.
