Laughable

I am as happy as I'll ever be. I don't feel safe when I feel happy. I am scared of happiness. That's right, folks, I could be happy more often but it scares me to be. Happiness, true satisfied life-affirming confident in love productive happiness, is a matter of trusting in my Self, the world, and those around me, which is something I struggle with (ha! understatement). If I'm truly happy it usually means everything is going decently and I "won" at something recently. After that, there's no way to go but in a completely different direction that I am sure to fail in for a while.

It is perhaps cruel, and certainly "unfair", to appeal to my curiousity... to tell me what I "can't" have... to remind me that the world is so much bigger than I realize. To play at obviously being under my control, but to then show me that you clearly are not. I am nothing if not power hungry. There is nothing I want to do more than what I "can't" or "should not" do. Tell me that I could eat from a certain tree, but you would rather I didn't and I will never touch it. To tell me that I can not will drive me mad and eventually I will. It will be so much more satisfying, too... because I wasn't supposed to, but "I couldn't help it"... the increased want for it makes it the most intense satisfaction. But then it's done... and I know that I can, could, and did. All feelings of desire will disappear, and I will be left with this... I probably hurt someone along the way. I really didn't help anyone, at any rate.

Torn. I am torn always between wanting to create comfort and happiness for my self and those around me, and wanting to be powerful and all-knowing.

So there you have me. I am not anything, but human. Sub-human, Overly-human, a human. Nothing more. Cruel, deceitful, jealous... Compassionate, honest, independent. Not two "opposite" mes, but a complex, multi-purpose, ambiguous I. I never doubted I was weak; I always knew I was too strong. People who come too close to me will always win, but they will often wish they'd lost.

Perhaps, I am just bat-shit insane. I feel like I have something important to say, but I am not saying anything important.

I want them all

My eyes filled with tears today in the library. I was overwhelmed by how many books I want to read, how few I ever have time for, and how many I will never get to with my whole lifetime. If only there were some way of knowing what books would be the most valuable or enjoyable for me. If only I could live until I was tired of living. I would know everybody, read everything, and go everywhere before that would happen. Bah limitations.

Happily Ever After

Okay... so I'm not riding off into the sunset sitting behind Prince Charming with my arms around his muscular frame my hair blowing in the wind and the smell of leather and horse blowing back at me headed towards the ivory castle in the clouds where all my dreams come true.

I haven't been published in some awesome journal. I haven't been accepted to the grad programs I am applying to yet. I haven't even reached enlightenment or Nirvana or had some spiritual awakening. Sometimes I even feel sad, or at least like my life is too predictable.

Nobody worships me and nobody is plotting to kill me. My Nietzsche class only meets every other day and in the afternoons, and that is good.

I'm still scared of death, and I still wish I could be a Pirate or at least a Cowboy.

I'm still insecure, though not nearly so much. I am proud of who I am, and where I am going. That's a newish feeling. I feel worthwhile.

I haven't died for some awesome cause lately or even given much to society. I haven't suffered unjustly. I feel liked, though... even loved.

I still want to travel. I still want to be better. I still wish that things were better in general for people in general.

I don't want a small life. I want to learn how to cook more. I need more money.

I haven't climbed a tree in forever.

My facticity still taunts me, but I am not who I have been, and I will be better gradually.

My boyfriend loves me, and that is good.
Sometimes I drink tea, and that is good.
I have awesome friends.
I have a woolen blanket.
I am trying to make a quilt.
Valentine's Day is soon.
I am going to get a Cat when I graduate.
I am going to live a good life.

Leather is awesome.
Fire is awesome.
Warm feet rock my socks off!

My everyday life is satisfying and fulfilling.
You can't look through me. You can't look around me. You can't look past me.
I can look you in the eyes. Sometimes I don't, though. It can be too much.

I want to make a fort.
I want you to hang out in my fort with me.
Together we should be safe in the fort.
Then we should go on to do brave deeds.
What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

Let's drink, and sing, and be merry. Let's feast, and laugh, and remember the good old days.
Let's think until thinking becomes dreaming, and let's be honest about it.

I feel... incoherent, but happy.