overmuch

So these past few weeks I have been trying to figure out why I am never enough. Why all my best efforts are not enough to win me the hearts of men. And then I was told... "you were always too much."

And at first it doesnt sink in. And then I understand it. Too much of even a good thing is too much. And as long as I think I am too little I try to be more and more only exacerbating the problem. I love too much too often. I try too hard. I am too good. I "make other people feel like they have an obligation" to be good in return. I "make other people disappointed in theirselves and doubt theirselves". People never hate me. It seems that it must be hard to hate me. Maybe people love me. Maybe people love me too much to want to love me. I don't know. It is a revolutionary idea to me.

All these years I thought I was unlovable because I wasn't enough for anybody. And now I start to think maybe this person is right... maybe I had it all backwards.

Marc totally made my birthday awesome. Marc is awesome.

I might end up Secretary of Wordsmiths. That should be interesting. It has been a while... say 3-4 years. I still think I have the capacity to lead. I just havent practiced it in a while. I certainly feel that I could do better than my opponent. Of course my job next year in the Writing Studio is sposed to be crazy harder. And I havent been voted in yet. So we shall see what we shall see.

Well, the thoughts contained in this entry are much easier to write about than to think. So I will leave them with you now... who might find them less perplexing than I do.

troglodytic

"A yak is a prehistoric cabbage: of this, at least, we can be sure." -John Ashberry

I am getting better at life, methinks. In that I am becoming more emotionally independent. I am getting worse at life for the same reason.

The illusion, though. Yeah. It's there. There will be a day when my emotions will not be accessible. There will come a day when I may lie and you will not even know it and I will not feel sorry. It has been said, and I am willing now to embrace it, that college has corrupted me.

I may be brave, and passionate, and good... but I am not so stupid or stubborn to keep fighting when there is another way. I am tired, in my soul. I am tired. It ends here.

There is no place I belong. No person I can depend upon. There is no God that I can have anything to do with. There is nothing but the illusion.

If I love long enough hard enough freely enough well enough passionately enough... if i try every day as if it were everything as if it mattered.... i thought if then.... then I could maybe find somebody to love me. But people don't love the genuine any more. People love the well balanced the beautiful the talented the independent the nonfeeling.

To be in love.

You will not find me as such for a while.

You will not find me emailing or posting or calling or knocking or greeting or reaching any more. If you want me then come and get me. I am tired of pursuing. I want to be pursued. I am tired of loving. I want to be loved. "Lord grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love."

Love... perhaps the greatest illusion of all. And fine in its own way.

I have cherished you love. I have not been afraid of you. I have not given up on you though those around me cast you aside. I have sought you out. I have spread you around. I have spoken in your favor time and time again. I have gained you followers. I have admired you from afar in all your forms. I have enjoyed many of those forms for myself. But the form that I was always seeking was somebody else seeking you.

I want somebody else to notice the way I breathe. The way I want and the way I think and the way I believe. I want to be noticed.

I want to be loved as I love.

I want to eat crispy selfishness from every branch of the tree of knowledge.

You bring me so close. And then you drop me like so many apples falling from the tree.

Dont bring me close... it is just a tease.

I would rather I was hated.

Dont offer me half of what I want... I want it all.

Dont bother.

dont.

I am through.

It is through.

Love,,, you and I are through.

But the illusion remains.

Thank God that the illusion remains.

Where would we be without it?

vital

the longer i don't write the more i feel like if i do write it has to be something very important

when i write every day any little thing comes out but when i dont write for a while i want to explain everything at once and perfectly

i feel so alive today

actually i have felt this alive for a few weeks now

not because i am in love; though i am

not because someone is in love with me; they are not

but because it is spring and i am young and love exists and maybe happiness and maybe hope yes definitely hope and life life everywhere and death death scaring me at night and making me think it is a good thing to live

am i more important now? do i have more value?

maybe feeling more important and valuable is the same as being more important and valuable.

maybe being liked by more people means something or maybe i think i am liked by more people and that means something.

it isnt clear. nothing is clear. and it is when i fall in love with the blur that i start to see beauty. the beautiful caught up in a blink or a word or a hug or the instance of recognizing somebody you haven't seen for a while and the genuine recognition and acceptance of the matter of the person an admission that "life has been good without you but i am still glad to see you again".

and that is all i have right now. no insight. no funny thing to say. though i have been saying many funny things lately. in my opinion. and people sometimes laugh.

but more importantly are the few people who actually care. the few people who actually get me. the few people who forgive me my weaknesses compliment my strengths and challenge me to be more than i can ever be because that is what i am in their eyes. i am an equal. i am a somebody. i can be skilled and beautiful and appreciated. and i can be alive without feeling guilty for not being dead. i can think that i improve something or someone or all things or everyone. i can think it. i can know it. i can know it isnt true and know it anyways. because there is the world when you are nobody. and then there is the world when you realize you are somebody to somebody.

and i guess i just wanted to admit that i didnt realize that for a while. that i was somebody to you guys. that i wasnt meaningless to you. that i had some effect positive or negative on your lives. i didnt realize that for a while. and i may have behaved irresponsibly or even disgracefully. and i might not be much better for a while.

but i am getting there. i am alive now. and that is a start.