melange

I realize quite suddenly that I am walking a very thin line between mere confusion about what is going on or even what I believe is going on and being utterly adrift in a melange of ideas and beliefs that I have no real understanding of but have come to believe anyways. It has been too long since I have discussed philosophy with anyone but myself... and when discussing with myself I usually know exactly where I am coming from... usually. The general complexity of everything and the decision that this is where the truth must exist... in something far beyond my comprehension... is utterly disheartening to one like myself who has been searching for truth as long as they can remember. But I have believed in the inaccesibility of truth for a long time. I have felt and argued that I should approach as close to understanding my world as possible whilst still remembering that I really understand nothing. I think I have told most of you that my idea of Heaven is one in which you finally either just know the truth or actually start to learn the truth. I would very much like to know the truth about even one little thing. I am really starting to feel like Wittgenstein supposedly felt, and wanting to get the monkey of philosophy off my back entirely. To dismiss the whole subject, a subject that I have spent my life on if not in actual study then in actual application, would seem utter folly both from the perspective of truth-seeking and from the more pragmatic angle I usually approach things at. I need more people to make me think seriously. I have grown too tricky at settling for less than my best thoughts and calling them good enough long before I reach a proper conclusion about anything. I love having people to talk to. And it isn't just because I like listening to my own voice. And even though I don't know if I am actually saying anything and/or if other people are really understanding anything I say... I do know that I am trying to communicate something. My desperate and passionate desire for passion stems from something like this... "Look. I am passionate. Therefore there must be something worth being passionate about. I don't really know what that is. I don't really think any such thing exists. But I believe it, and I believe it passionately, and that belief in and of itself is passionate. And even if everything means nothing I am still believing it means something. And even though you may or may not exist and you may or may not be worth my time... I really believe you are. I care. You mean something to me. We mean something to me." That's all I am ever really trying to say only the feeling is much more complex and intense than even these direct words can ever hope to convey.

indeed

Hope took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting n..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Because it is so true... and because I want imitate Fro.

Unhinged

i am mostly doing things because there is nothing better to do. i feel like i am trying to accomplish something or get at something... but I can't quite get there because i havent figured out what it is exactly i am going for. Like ive come this far and i am so close, but to get there i have to trace back my path in my memory to find where i started and which direction i thought i was going in. or maybe i just feel like i ought to feel that way. like something ought to happen. or maybe what i feel is merely some form of "profound boredom". I dont even know. But I feel really anxious/excited and yet disappointed/bored. Like when you accomplish some big goal you had but it was way easier than you thought it would be, and you dont know what to do now. meh. maybe it's just that i finally know i can make it in this world... that no matter what i can live comfortably and somewhat happily. like the worst is over or something. but now life doesnt seem worth much effort when i can get by with so little effort.

fearless

Is there anything I fear or hold sacred or secret any more? Have I finally realized my true power and in realizing it lost all track of any boundaries to that power? How much can I change and still be a good person? How much can I change and still be me? If I do one think every day that scares me eventually very little will scare me even the things that should. And then what do I do? And if I was defined by my fears and hopes for so long will I become in my fearlessness defined merely by my hopes. And are my hopes powerful or silly and relatable? Do people like me because I stand for hope or do they like me because I hope or do they like me because my hopes are silly and impractical but seem brave and noble. If you strip away all that I have decided to be am I really anything right now? Or is it as I once thought, I am really only what you decide I am to you. Can I bring hope to others if I have no hope for myself? Can I care about others if I dont care what happens to me? When will the questions stop? When will the neverending ever doubting ever hoping as if my whole life were lived through this haze of fear before me and this pressure of hope behind me and i am pushing on and my thought train just keeps going logically consistently plodding going faster and faster then slowing but never stopping never thinking the same thought the same way more than twice am I what I am thinking right now or am I all the things I remember thinking put together or are these thoughts is the fact that I am always thinking in this long chain not part of who I am but rather I am only what people see only the act only what i pretend only what i do and this secret rich life of mine that so few ever see especially in full splendor that fills me with passion and yet saps me of energy making me feel like i must keep going but like i just want to stop for just a little while and now I am typing as fast as I can trying to catch all the questions that are pushing me am I not these thoughts am I only a thinking thing or am I the way I think and does anybody reading this know the way I think and do they realize that I think that I know the way they think by the way they speak and that that is what I love most about them that that is what I consider them the way they think that I love the logical the pragmatic the foolish the brave but most of all the passionate and yet the fire which I build I fear will consume me but there is no stopping I am already strapped in this ride and i dont really want it to end i just want a break from me every once in a while and my only releases are music, writing, and listening to you?

good times

I got a friggin' job! YaY!

Solitary

Alo all. I am moved into my summer apartment now. I still don't have a job and I will only be able to afford the first month without one. Tomorrow more job hunting! I am going crazy from being here alone. I meant to call everybody once I was finally moved in, but apparently we dont have phone service and Evan's cell phone gets really really really crappy reception as in it wont stay connected for more than two minutes. I am going crazy already from lack of job/ missing everybody/ too much time to think too much. I did receive some good musics from Benjarmin and Rosbert before they left though. I am feeling mostly chewed out inside when I bother to pay attention to how I am feeling. Finally got laundry today:) I am seriously on gaim most of the time guys... please come chat with me? I feel so cut off from the whole world. Tomorrow should help though because I am going to apply for jobs with Arlo. Fuck. That's not true. I miss Rosbert. I am depressed as a bug. I miss all the other people from Omaha who I have missed for so long now that missing them is just a daily feeling generally ignored for more urgent happenings. I even miss my family; I wish I could go visit them. Everybody feels so far away, and what scares me most is that I almost like it. I almost want to say that it is thier fault for abandoning me and that people are not worth caring about and that I should just be my own person and a hermit, and I actually think I could stop caring for the first time in my life if I decided to. It is a daily struggle to remember that people still do care about me that they are just really busy and I am just cut off from them until I can afford cell phone or phone service. This is not the worst I have felt all year or even the most hopeless or the most lonely. Still it is that uncomfortable bad feeling that follows me everywhere. I can deny the big pain but the little pains annoy me. All that said... please get on gaim some time people or just send me an email... i promise i wont sound this depressed on there... prolly cuz i will be out of my mind with happiness at being able to talk with you.