America's 2nd Language

Complaint.

Today for class we read Hemmingway's "A clean, well-lighted place." I found the focus of "nothing" quite poignant especially after a spat I had the night before. In this particular quibble I told somebody "nothing" was wrong and they did not believe me and therefore were quite peeved. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong, as in the story for those of you who are familiar with it, "nothing". It is very short so if you haven't read it you should find it and read it now. A similar theme was in the fine movie "Dogma" which I viewed last night. And I think that all three of these incidents happened more than coincidentally. Realistically speaking I must be noticing this theme particularly much right now because of its pertinence. If there is a God though, He planned this. Because "nothing" is what is wrong with me right now... a lack of hope, faith, passion, morality, loyalty, trust, and general stability. I get short glimpses of these, and then I do some crazy thing and it all fades to "nothing" again.

In other news my new class seems to be rather interesting thus far. Any class where I get to read two Faulkner novels is passably decent regardless.

the cake wars of 2005

So much time... so little sleep.

On thursday I stayed up until 7a. This is a new record for me. I have not yet hit the staying up 24 hours mark but methinks 20 is pretty damn close. It is nice to get so lost in somebody that you dont realize what time it is until about 6:30a. I could get used to this.

Yesterday Freddy, Arlo, Ben, two girls, and I went to DQ and had an ice cream cake via the gift certificate Freddy won the previous evening. It was quite scrumptious and we all dug in with our spoons skipping the formalities of pieces and plates. We even sculpted quite the interesting silhouette of a man's face with a tremendous jaw. But we could not finish the cake. So then we began our long journey home. Before we got there though, we stopped at Natalie's apartment hoping upon hope that she would have a freezer capable of housing this fine dessert we bore (by this time quite melted and gloppy). However, after the delectable cake sat on the table for some time, while a high powered nerf gun war raged, it was nothing but melting ice cream. In desperation Arlo and Freddy did what they had to do... they ran out of the building with the travesty once called "cake". They had a "plan". In my infinite curiousity I decided upon a few moments to follow them. I found them walking around seemingly aimlessly with Freddy quickly trying to devour the increasingly liquid ice cream with a red spoon. I made some inquiries in order to ascertain exactly what they planned on doing with the cake, and soon I was swept up into the battle as Freddy's human shield. The cake wars raged for a full five minutes, I am sure, and resulted in stickiness and jocularity. Arlo then removed his gooky shirt, borrowed my only somewhat sticky hoodie, and proceeded to make the long pilgrimage home to the showers. Similarly Freddy and I triumphantly trekked homewards and borrowed some shampoo from Adam. When Adam inquired as to the reason for this unusual request the explanation Freddy could give involved many hand gestures and quick words in the following sequence "Dairy Queen free ice cream cake melting couldn't finish cake wars." We washed his hair in the laundry room, made a quick stop at his room for a fresh shirt (I grabbed his hoodie in place of my own now being utilized by Arlo), and then off to Pfeiffer to become trolls.

Yes my friends I am now a troll and shall prolly remain as such for a few days. We dyed our hands and faces blue with hair dye. We proceeded to the festivities but were not originally able to find them. Upon arrival many strange proceedings occurred and I began to feel that staying up until 7a that morning had not done wonders for my disposition. At one point we attempted to remove Arlo's pants over the course of maybe an hour or so. I could have done it, but then it would have felt too much like rape.

I appreciated all the comments as to the styling of my hair. I have decided not to go goth but i do want to do something to my fine locks. Any further help in this decision would be most welcome, though you may be to late if I decide to do it today.

Much luck in all wars and adventures you may encounter. I love you all.

a deep dull pleasant

Today I am sore but in a pleasant way. My life is good methinks. I have a final tomorrow, and I actually had an appointment today at work. My second one this month. I have done about one hour of work this month, and I am getting paid for thirteen. Yes, I reiterate, my life is rather good.

Freddy says I should go goth. I am inclined to disagree. But I am curious. And I do like to try different things with my hair. I dont even have goth clothing so it would be funny if I just dyed my hair black and got some crazy cool haircut. It would be a total juxtaposition with my grey sweatshirt and jeans. Tell me what you think dear readers...

Not much else going on except that I found out certain individuals would murder me for as little as one billion dollars. Gasp. I have decided that nothing good can come from monopoly games, and I think I will stick to scrabble in the future.

I am in high spirits and rare form today. I am pretty tired though.

recent happenings

I am most excited for this class to end. Only three more days!

In other news, some people are far too nice and sometimes I get far too drunk on Sunday nights. Also, I am considering meeting the challenge that is supposedly coming up to write a 50,000 word novel within the month of November. I decided my life is not hard enough since I got to sleep all day Sunday and get drunk in the evening. Also, my job this month has consisted of blogging mainly. I have only actually had one appointment. My hours for next month may be different however, and I can make no guarantees. But I promise if I am successful and make loads of moneys I will not forget you little people who helped me through my hours of need.

Furthermore, I watched Pirates of the Carribbean last night and came to some groundbreaking decisions. Johnny Depp is very hot but he looks dirty. Orlando Bloom is very cute and in some scenes hot. Keira is hot and I hate her for it. Freddy is hot. Everybody seems even more sexy when I am drinking orange vodka with minute maid orange juice.

In addition, I myself have been receiving various compliments as to my physical appearance. This leaves me in a state of embarassed shock, but I kind of like it. The people giving these various compliments have sometimes little or no connection to each other so I doubt it is another conspiracy. I think perhaps my singleness is making my pheremones go crazy wild. Freddy said I was cute. Kimberly said I was pretty. Jess said I was seriously hot. Theresa said I was cute. And Ben said I was cute. Coincidence? I think not. Obviously I have gone from ugly duckling to okay looking duck over night. Not that I care... oh no this won't go to my head or anything. I have no desire whatsoever to be pleasing to look at.

Honestly though I am mighty proud of myself. I don't think I have expansive amounts of natural cuteness. Obviously I have worked hard all my life to develop my cuteness. Yeah... that's it.

It is a good thing, I have decided, that I am not particularly beautiful or rich. I am already vain and selfish enough methinks.

Kairos

I feel the powerful urge to overcome this now. I know these things take time, but I want to move on. I know those memories will stay forever. They are half of my college experience... the most fun time in life. He was my first for many things. I don't really want to forget him... I just want the memories to stop hurting.

I have also realized that I have become very attached to his family. After all I considered them my own family for about a year. I will miss them. And I am noticing a pattern. I always get attached to all of my friends' families which makes it even harder when I lose them. I don't think I want to meet any future boyfriends'/fiances'relatives. That is of course unless I actually do get married to them. Maybe that is a bad idea, but this is just an added loss that I can't stand to think about. Hell... I'd rather go home to his family than mine most of the time. Even his mother I have learned to love and I will miss her. Perhaps I could visit them some day, but I rather expect not.

Today has been relaxing and the pain has been nagging. But there is also this yearning to move on within me. This desire for a new era. I hope the moment comes soon when I can be truly exuberantly happy again.

nonchalant

I am going to cash my check today so that should be happy. I think I felt too much yesterday and now there is no feeling left for today. Life stretches before me neither as something to dread nor as something to anticipate. It is still unclear whether things will work themselves out or whether everything will fall completely into ruins.

It is cold today so I got to wear my hoodie. Usually that would make me happy but today it just makes me comfortable.

My life is a funny joke. A good movie even. Just sign some sexy lady up to play me. She would do a better job. It would be one of those sappy romance type comedies. It would end happily but fall apart at the beginning of the sequel. It would make emotional women cry and men fall to sleep. I could even come up with a few songs for the soundtrack. Yes, interesting things are happening in my little life at last. For joy! There will be orgies and lesbian sex and an ex-fiance who she still screws around with and a good friend she is also screwing around with and a crazy long distance friend or two and it will be suspenseful. Who will she end up with in the end? And it doesn't really matter who it is. You could bring her fiance back and make it a story about true love. You could hook her up with the good friend and make it about the nice guy winning for once. You could make her a lesbian and she could be all about feminism. She could end up a prostitute independent and strong. The long distance friend could even begin to have passionate phone sex with her and it could result in a crazy twisted relationship which culminated in the wedding of the century. Then again at the end everybody could abandon her and she could either tragically kill herself or find power within herself or you could leave it all mysterious fading out with her laying in her bed pleasuring herself to soft core porn and smiling a wicked smile. It has sex and it has suspense all it needs is a plot and an ending and you are going to sell at least to all the sappy women in this world also to the men who want to see the lesbian sex.

So yeah. I apologize for that random tangent. That's all I've got today.

magic in my pocket

I feel a little bit of pain today, which is a relief. I also still feel like things at the moment are not that bad... pain is not that bad. I am alive and while I might not be succeding I don't think you could actually say I am failing either. I have enough friends to wonder if I might be a decent sort of human being. I am doing well enough at everything I do to wonder if I am slightly intelligent and talented. I have a comfortable bed and food in my belly.

All I have really lost recently are future things. Screw the future.

If my friends want to leave me then they will leave me. I am not making it any better by being worried about it. I remember living life largely worry free. Maybe I misremember. All I know is that water is still mighty wet and when a fellow is hungry he still likes his vittles. I also know that there are several flies in my room and Scarface is a depressing movie. I expected so much better out of Tony. I always expect so much better. For all my talk of not believing people will stay my friends... for all my logical reasoning that I shouldn't trust them... in the end I expect them to be there the next day. In the end I expect more out of my friends than humanity. My expectations are too high and my need is too strong. And yet somebody tells me "You have magic in your pocket". It is the magic that keeps people. Some kind of powerful hypnotic "look at me I may be screwed up and my life may be fucked up but have you ever truly met anybody like me before? Don't you think you could help? Don't you think you could be among the chosen few who live up to my expectations? Give it a try... you are more than human to me." I say all this without even meaning to somehow. I make people happy at my best... I annoy people with my neediness at my worst.

I just hope that I have some magic left.

imbroglio

My life is in shambles. I feel largely nothing. I am happy at random times while doing random things. I regret nothing. I wonder if I am a bad person, because I no longer feel guilty for anything I do. I think I am becoming a narcissist not in the funny old Hope way but in the serious disorder kind of way. I want to talk about myself and I want people to be happy so that they will say nice things about me. I don't really feel any emotions except fear of the loss of this acceptance. A narcissist does not have to have a high self esteem. In fact a narcissist only will associate with people they think they can trick for a little while. A narcissist always knows it will end soon. A narcissist also is not very deep intellectually because all they are really interested in is their self. (Maybe I have a little bit of every disorder in the book. That would be the easy answer.) Yeah I profess to hate myself. Yeah I try to push people away and tell them not to be my friend. But in our current society I have found that there is no better way to keep a friend. People will guilt theirselves into staying friends with you long after the pleasant reasons that originally attracted them to the friendship are gone. All this in the name of loyalty. I am above all else manipulative. I need people to support me and currently I would do anything to keep those people. Yeah there is great stuff in it for them such as special favors and the like. In the end though if they want an intellectual actual conversation I suggest they look elsewhere. I don't even know how to have one of those any more. But then why am I telling you? Because I am honest. It is easier in fact to manipulate people with honesty than with deceit. If you are honest to people they trust you. It is easier to get a person who trusts you to do what you want. "Honestly it is the honest ones that you have to look out for." (I dont know if I got that quote right). So why would I ruin my entire plot? Because I am sick of being this especially to people so wonderful as you guys. I am sick of myself and I am sick of my self-centered little world. I am trying to change. I really don't know how. I want to have an actual conversation with someone, but I really don't know how those work. I used to discuss writing and philosophy. I want to discuss those things again. I am scared. All the time I am scared of losing my friends and of being a bad person. I don't want to be scared any more.

but I digress

Yesterday Evan hung on me a bunch. He bit my neck. He licked my nose. He pissed me off. He told me he is still attracted to me. I did his laundry. I told him never to do that again.

It was Freddy's birthday yesterday and we made cannoli cake. I got to be the assistant, and I had a jolly old time. There was cake and chili. There was vodka and sake. I got to scoop out pumpkin innards and watch yoda and a piratey pumpkin being carved. I got to keep the piratey pumpkin. I got to draw bloody veins onto his head. I got to play pool and sing "You're so vain".

The day before I got to learn much more about two of my friends than I ever knew before. Oh how joy courses through my little arteries and heart. I love learning about people... who they are and why. There is nothing more fascinating except for maybe the sound of their voices and the words they chose. I am a word worshiper. Ha! I should read autobiographies for leisure.

I had an excellent weekend, and my life seems similarly excellent at the moment. It seems I might be overly optimistic, but it never hurts to be happy. I feel like I belong again.

citrus vodka

What I boil down to is a passionate person who wants people to be as happy as possible as often as possible. There is nothing I want more than to make people happy... not even my happiness. I haven't decided whether this is good or bad or neither. I just know that it is at the very core of who I am.

When I drink enough I stop wondering if I am making people happy and just do things to make them happy. It usually works. It makes me think maybe if I stopped worrying so much I would be a happy people making machine. Maybe I am a mastermind. Maybe I really do understand people after all.

You know when you are drunk you get a floaty feeling. I hold onto that feeling. I can have it whenever I want for a few days after the fact whenever I am relaxing. I am so naturally drunk I wonder what the point of drinking is sometimes. I wonder if people realize when I am drunk that I am only acting how I always want to act. That the alcohol doesn't do much but lower my inhibitions. They have to know that. Right?

Today should be a slow relaxing day and I am feeling rather relaxed myself.

blind

"A blind man has few friends; a blind man who has recently received his sight has, in a sense, none." C.S. Lewis

This is how I feel coming from being in a relationship blind to other possibilities and then coming out full blown into the world of singleness and understanding nothing of how the world works. I know I have many friends but I dont think any of them really pretend to understand. Though some of them do remember going through similar things.

It is so exciting to be single again... merely because it has been so long and it is something that I thought (knew?) that I would never get to do again. I often wished I had met Evan later in college and been single for more time. It is the single people for all their bitching about loneliness who have the most fun in college (in life?). And yet I am not going to say I did not prefer the safety and beauty of being in love.

I had a dream last night that I got back together with Evan. I woke up thinking I would be in pain. But then nothing. I am not saying that I wouldnt take Evan back in a heartbeat still if he so wanted. But I am saying that the prospect of living single for a while has gotten to be just as exciting to me. Who knows where I am going next but I dont even care right now. Life is so enjoyable in general right now. Even the pain is a new experience I welcome.

Ha. I have never much understood pain. Why I like it so much sometimes and hate it so much other times. Why the human race has decided as a whole that pain is its enemy. I just dont see it. Pain lets me know when things are going wrong. Things go wrong all the time.. it is natural. So all I am left with is that pain is unpleasant. However, I think pain being unpleasant is mostly psychological. Once I determine in my mind that the pain is not so bad it just becomes another sensation just like all the other sensations. There is nothing unique about the sensation of pain that makes it necessarily bad to me except when I am fighting it. My prof said that pain is by definition bad... and posed the question of people on morphine saying "i still feel pain but I dont mind it any more" and whether if they didnt mind it if it was pain at all. And I say yes. I say it is a wrong definition to say pain is a sensation which is naturally avoided. If anything human beings in general ask for pain just by getting out of bed in the morning... just by continuing to live. Then of course there is masochism... or those people who genuinely enjoy pain. I myself subscribe to this excepting the fact that I dont like so much pain wherein I start thinking it might be unhealthy. So I contend that most of the unpleasant nature of pain comes to us psychologically and not from the actual sensations.

Now that you all know that I am a freak I leave you to ponder my freakishness.

hedonism

So this is what I have become. I look for anything to feel good because everything inside of me feels awful. Eat drink and be merry Hope. Do what feels good. There is no right and the only wrong is the pain you are trying to ignore if only for a moment. You have been handed a raw deal in life, and now what do you care how you live.

I am reminded of what Hope is. A part of the psychology of certain of the disorders the fine counselor once told me I might have is finding yourself through using other people as mirrors. And I realize now that I have no understanding of finding who I am outside of that context. I need a person in front of me saying i think this in order for me to say "hey I have always thought that too" or "I do not agree with that all."

How to become a self? I will develop hobbies. I will become literary again. I will spend time each day writing. I already have started this blog which helps significantly. I will read philosophy and decide what I believe and believe it despite the world. I have two years that are virtually meant for me to grow up in. I will grow up. And I will not be an adult like my father yelling and trying to be consoled by his children. I will not be an adult like my mother guilting people into comforting and helping me. I will not even be an adult like Evan's version that I have been aspiring to... calm and unattached. I want no more of this apathy. I want to live life passionately. That is the one thing I know I am... even if sometimes I have been criticized for it. I am passionate. I take every moment and I give it my best. I might not have the tools right now to even be a self. But I will discover what those tools are. Unfortunately the only way I know to discover those is through other people. Who do I think my friends are? Some of the tools I already learned this summer are hobbies as well as likes and dislikes.

I set out once again to find self and love. Real grown up love. Somebody to love me even when they are not in an excellent mood.

to those who suck at life

It seems I remember now how strange I am. How lost. How little in how big a world. I lack direction and motivation. I lack the one thing I yearn for... a mate. I give up for the time being on hoping there will ever be one. How could he win my heart over like Evan did... especially now that my heart is old and wise? No. If I am too make it I must assume that I make it largely on my own.

Yeah I have friends but I am giving independence a try. It will not be easy at first. My body is shaky and I want to curl up and hide. Instead I will build muscles... grow strong... thrive. It is odd that I am trying to become what I once was. I must instead decide what I want to be and become it.

Only I dont know what I want to be. Some mixture perhaps of the independent charismatic and interesting people I love. Leave behind the worries and the shame. I will become strong. I will build my characteristics like muscles... by ripping them apart and letting them heal. I will be tough. I will laugh and love deeply.

may I be excused?

Today the pain is content to settle as a pit of dread and general sickness in my stomach. It doesnt stab me like usual but rather prods constantly at my innards whispering in the back of my consciousness "you will not enjoy anything today." These past few days have been my worst nightmares coming true. Regrettably, my life is in ruins. My clothes need washing. I am a few days behind in my class reading. And I cannot even sleep right any more, which prior to last night was my only real comfort.

I know that I should be able to believe the things everybody says. The majority must be right. However, in my infinite insecurity I imagine elaborate plots you all are in on. "We will all tell her things are okay" you agree "and then when she ends up alone and miserable and outcast from society we will kill her in the night and take all her stuff and be done with her whining for good."

Oh what great lengths my fine little mind will go to in order to assure me I am not loved.

i miss you

So Evan told me he missed me last night. It upset me quite a bit. So did my quaint visit with the fine counselor, which put a sudden end to my denial. All this right before work and then class and then band. But by the middle of class denial was back full force and I am what passes as happy these days again.

I also have been remembering how much I miss other people besides Evan lately. I remembered that I miss you Shannon and how we always were such a team and how even though we have changed alot these past five years we havent given up on each other. And I remembered how much I miss listening to you babble passionately for hours Eddius. And I remembered Francis and how much I miss talking philosophy and religion with him back in the day when we were both relationshipless and times were less confusing. (Oh wait things were still confusing because I had a total crush on him.) And I miss my brother and my sister a little bit. I miss my cat. I miss Christopher being my friend freshman year when I was young and determined not to be corrupted. I miss Jennifer even with her crazy sex stories she made things interesting. And, I miss myself... who I was back then. I miss my wholesomeness... my ability to think people liked me... my virginity... my ignorance of what was to come... my belief that love could work out and that I was ready for love... my other belief that I didnt need love in order to live a happy life and in fact boys had cooties. I miss the park and the lake and fazoli's and BWW. I miss going to church with my family on Sundays. I miss basketball and marching band. I mourn for these things as well as what has just been recently taken from me/changed.

Somebody said today that you cant expect the other person not to change that change is life. It is true. But, I do not change like that. I change gradually and I endeavor not to change in a way that is inconsistent with my past. And above all else it is not who people are in every day life that I love... it is not any one feature that can come and go... it is who they are and who they have been... it is a person's essence I love. I can say truthfully I have never stopped loving somebody once I have started. It has only been when they have stopped loving me that they changed enough for me to train myself not to love them. Even then I love who they once were. So in short I must return to my previous hypothesis that if I were also a man I would marry myself. I know that I am capable of loving somebody forever... I know that I am capable of happiness in love even with flaws and fights... I know that I would make a good wife some day. I just dont know if any man will ever feel likewise about being my husband.

The only thing I really heard from the counselor that everybody else didnt get through to me in some form was that the fact I was happy and committed to this relationship means that I can be that way again. I think she is right. In fact I think I feel a bit of that old narcissistic me coming back in general.

I miss her too (the narcissist not the counselor.) Evan took her away slowly. First I wasnt logical enough. Then I wasnt sexy enough. Then I wasnt interesting enough. And by saying all this in my bitterness in my everlasting quest at fairness I must say that I dont think he meant to imply any of this. He probably never even thought about it that way. I never even thought about it that way until recently. I dont think you realize what you are doing sometimes. I noticed early on this past summer that I am still logical and easy going as ever... just not so much as Evan and not so much as Evan expected out of me. I noticed that I am sexy even to Evan... Evan is just lazy. I realized that I can have interesting conversations... with someone interested in people at all in any form.

I think I chose English and Philosophy based on the fact I got to ask questions about humanity in those classes. I love people. Nothing... Nothing makes me happier than a group of people thinking I am as interesting as the rest of them... or an individual being genuinely absorbed in our conversation until we dont know what time it is. That is what I miss the most from highschool/about you Shannon. Every conversation we had was like life or death... without the fear. We all clung passionately to words.

I love words. I love language. I love how words sound and how they look. I love what they mean or the idea that they dont really mean anything. I love talking until my thoughts are nothing but sentences streaming out of my mouth and all I can feel is laughter in pit of my stomach and my face hurts from smiling and my mouth is dry from jabbering and I have bit my tongue about five times and I cant even talk straight any more and words are coming out backwards. That is how much I love words. If I can make it anywhere it is with words.

I also am realizing that I miss things rather easily. It doesnt take me a day or so to miss somebody. It takes one happy memory of a moment with them popping into my little skull and all of the sudden I desire nothing more than their company.

I miss not feeling guilty for loving people and words. I miss just basking in people and not feeling guilty for being dependent all the time. I miss talking to my heart's content and knowing that the other person would shut me up if I annoyed them.

I miss many things. Evan is just another thing I miss right now.

I am sorry for the length of this blog. But doesnt it sound good?

strawberry daquiris

Alo... I am feeling rather well today. Things are too fucked up for me to care too much any more. Just along for the ride. If life made sense maybe I would make sense too. For right now it is the little things that matter. Pistachios in the morning while drunk. A blog to write. A Snickers bar to eat. Jackie Chan movies to watch. Friends. I have a beautiful fish. I have a quiz tomorrow. BJ tokens.

Life is so random. But thank you to all of you. I love you all.

pain

I forgot what pain was for a while there. Now it is back in full force. I don't feel anything but pain right now. I want to feel gratitude towards all those people helping me through this. But, all I feel is pain.

To those of you who dont know my fiance left me two days ago.

And all I feel is pain. Every type, physical and emotional. I feel bitter and angry and nausea. but i am loved... cant write more now

Sad attempt number 395

Yeah... it was suggested to me that for the purposes of complaining I might start one of these again. Also, sadly certain friends of mine seem to be slipping through my fingers and I thought mayhaps they might read this. I dont know if I am going to tell anyone about it yet. Maybe it will be my secret complaint art masterpiece. Like a journal only more fun because my hand doesnt get tired and the keys click pleasantly. I dont know though. I generally like to share this sort of thing. My fear is that I would tell people about it and still noone would read it.

I feel so close to other people when I read their writing. I feel like I access some secret part of their soul that even they dont know about by listening and looking at the way they put words together. I know that reading my writing I am more the person I want to be than in any other medium or existence. I leak out of my writing in ways I recognize as me but blink at admiringly instead of criticizing. I am always criticizing. I open this blog to that purpose.

The title of my blog refers to the only whole passage of Shakespeare I have memorized. It is from Hamlet, the play within the play, and begins "I do believe you think what now you speak/but what we do determine oft we break." It is the King telling the Queen she will forget about him and marry again after he dies... which is exactly what happens. I have always thought this pertinent to my life with people coming and going loving me and then not loving me, and with even my own feelings towards people growing and decreasing constantly. In the end I have to believe people love me right now without worrying about the future. But I cant do that so much. It hurts too much not to see it coming.

In future entries I will speak less generally and more specifically. Suffice it to say for now that my main concerns at least at present revolve around my fiance and another good friend. My fiance lacks interest in me at the moment... and has even considered dumping me. My good friend I am starting to be interested in... despite my efforts to not be... as a replacement. I do not think I am being fair to either of them, nor do I feel they are being entirely fair to me. And this is where I will leave this today.