apologist

I am going on four hours of sleep, but for some reason I can't take a nap. I also think I am becoming addicted to facebook. Ah well.

I just want y'all to know that I am as happy as a clam, and I am not always sad though I was recently quite a bit.

At goodwill yesterday I found a game for only $1.36. It is titled "Pass-out". At the end of the instructions for said game it says, "Minors forbidden to play this game... Not intended for use with alcoholic beverages." The second of these comments is a downright lie... for this my friends is a drinking game if I have ever seen a drinking game.

Also, I have decided that WalMart's kid slaves should send their pictures with their products asking for tips and giving an address to send said tips to. I am a brilliant.

Also for class I get to do a presentation next monday on eating insects, and I am going to bring in fried grasshoppers for the class to munch on. I hear that they are "good but crunchy". I might feel a little squeamish about the idea, but my curiousity will not be satiated until I give it a go.

That's about all for now.

Doomed

So, for those of you who do not know, I am back with Evan sort of. In an "open relationship". I am pretty sure I am happy about this. It is sort of a short term solution, but it has stopped the pain.

My dear friend, however, called me up on Thanksgiving aka Turkey Day to tell me that I am a "monster". Later he retracted that statement and asserted that at the very least I am "doomed". Ah well.

I give forgiveness out rather freely and it is going to screw me over in life. I realize that I am of course doomed. However, I somehow feel that everybody needs to be forgiven a whole lot. Many of you all were very big jerks to me for long periods of time before we became the good friends we are today. People don't know what they are doing. I don't have any fucking clue what I am doing. But at least sometimes I find that I know why I am doing something, and that is good enough. Why am I back together with Evan? Because that is what I wanted all along. Because it is convenient and pleasurable. Because Evan is how I escape the world. I heard a fine country tune on my way to Omaha and it said that we are all looking to get high either on drugs or Jesus. I didn't very much care for this tune, but I agree with the getting high part.

Or, to attempt to quote one of my favourite movies, your friend and mine "28 Days"... I believe Jasper says something like "No adult human being is happy. You get a limited time walking around thinking everything is going to be wonderful... Everybody is trying to stop the pain... some do it by collecting stamps and others do it by getting wasted." I am really bad a quoting, but this is really close I think. And later... "Everybody hurts everybody. It's the human condition."

My point is I know that he may not be entirely healthy. Limited human attachment in general would be most healthy for me. But this is my sin. And I guess my addiction. So once again I agree with my friend that I am doomed.

At any rate I am happy for now. I will see what happens.

angst

Slowly I begin to feel better. Like the longer I spend away from Evan the more of my self I begin to remember. And the more other people appreciate me the more of my self I begin to remember loving. But it is a slow process. It hurts less every time my heart rebreaks, but the pain seems to persist longer and my frustration towards it grows exponentially.

I want to be happy. I want to drown myself in new experiences and late nights spent enjoying good company. I took the ink blot test online and it said that my subconscious is curious. Nothing sounds more accurate to me right now. I want to live deeply and learn not to fear, but more than that I just want to forget the pain by distracting myself.

I had a conversation with a fellow the other day. My instinct was to not talk to him, since I figured he was too cool for me and wouldnt like me. I chatted with him before lunch and then he sat with me during lunch and we chatted for a long while more. He thinks C.S. Lewis is a good writer! I think he restored a little of my faith in humanity.

In other news, I have seen very many interesting looking fellows wandering about. It has been so long since I have noticed guys, and even longer since I allowed myself to admire them from afar. For some reason, the idea of actually having a crush on a guy again scares me. I remember when it was just another part of life. I always had my little eye on some fellow or other. I think also now that I have that first kiss out of the way I feel so much more ready to try to pursue boys than I did before I began dating Evan. It also does something for your confidence when you start an orgy. I just don't really want to pursue guys yet, or maybe I just don't know enough people to have found a guy that I really want to pursue yet.

I thrive, methinks, on attention. The best thing to do, if one constantly needs attention, is to create a wide stretching network of friends and from there a conglomerate of fans. I have done it before and I can do it again. I am just not very sure I want to put that extent of work into something that must necesarrily dissolve in a few years. But, I think it is worth it. Yes. It can be done.

I must join this creative writing club thing as well. I must meet more people. I am realizing more and more that I only know a small fraction of the general populus here at Cornell. How does one go up to people they do not know? The easiest way of course is to start with people you know and then meet their friends and their friends etc. It might take me a while, and I will suffer many painful defeats, but there are a few fine fish in particular I would definitely like to meet promptly.

My head really hurts now. Probably partly due to the fact I banged it against a wall. Yeah. Ouch. It was one of those clever little stress relieving kits. You know the piece of paper on the wall that has a circle that says "Bang head here". It helped the stress mostly due to the massive amount of belly laughter and giggles that followed shortly after. I would not recommend it, regardless.

ostensible

There is a point in every good lie where it falls apart and reveals the truth somehow, while still lying. It is always at the point where I want the lie to be true too much.

My whole life has, beneath all the good days and belly laughs and childlike facades, the desire for death. It has become such a part of my life, and I have become so aware through this that I am too much of a coward ever to actually fulfill it, that I hardly notice it any more. A suicide threat from me, my good friends, is little more than "I had a bad day" or even "I had a bad moment." This is because, even when things are going good, the desire for death is there, and when things are not so good it quickly shows its face. And yet... there is nothing I fear worse than death. Which, is why I have never fulfilled that desire. So people tell me to face my fears and I think "If I was strong enough to face my fears I would be dead" and then I do not face them. But lately I have been facing them and I have learned that sometimes we fear things for a good reason. So I still fear death and I still do not think I will face it. Maybe another ten years of wanting it so badly will convince me.

A person who wants to die has no friends. At least no person they can actually talk truthfully with. If one goes about responding to "How are you?" with "I think I want to kill myself" too often they will soon be hospitalized methinks. If one goes about even telling the best of friends the truth, those friends will soon grow weary of them. In fact it is those friends that make me want to live. And I want them to make me want to live. I become dependent on them to make me want to live. Because always in life there is pain present, either too often or too much for me to handle. And in my opinion I have been one of the few luckiest human beings ever to live. But the only thing that has ever made me want to live is people being happy with me. I have decided that even my writing is a way of communicating with people when they are not around.

I think being ill all day yesterday felt way too good. I was hoping that perhaps the disease would kill me, make the decision for me. That is what I was thinking. I was thinking how the rest of the world went on fine without me and nobody even missed me and I was thinking "today is a good day to die."

But I must be fine. I get good grades. I have some friends. I have a job. Yes, I must be fine. It's a good lie. It just falls apart sometimes when I want it to be true too much.

holidays

It has always been said to me that a loss is hardest to deal with around the holidays. The holidays are merely approaching, and I still do not feel I have technically "lost" Evan, but I can tell you that this is a truth.

I can remember last Thanksgiving so clearly, at least parts of it. I was so happy... Evan was so happy. I don't know exactly when it was ruined and it stopped being so happy, but it was sometime in the spring and most especially in July. I ruined it because that is what I do.

I just want to go back and live this year over again. Even if it ended up exactly the same. Even if I had to go through the depression and the breakup. I just want to figure out how it happened. I just want to relive the good times... the best times of my life. I just want to believe again just for a little while that maybe two people in this world could just love each other in that old fashioned first love/ last love/ happily ever after way. I was so stupid, but it was the best feeling in the world. That is why even though everybody seems to suggest that even if we did get back together it would be ruined I think they are wrong. Even if we could get back together for only one month it would be worth another breakup. Besides, some relatives of mine have gone as far as getting divorced and ended up back together and happier than ever. I am a fool above all else. A wise man once said "Be a clown."

my keys

So my keys are nowhere to be found and I need them by thursday. So if any of you all see some keys with a Koala keychain as well as a cross keychain you should let me know.

In other news I am starting to feel rather ill, and just as I suspected when I am ill certain of those people who I have helped in their illness refuse to help me in mine. It was always thus. I am not asking for much... just a hug maybe. But I guess I don't deserve even that. I sit here rejected as usual, and I start to think that rejection isn't all that bad. Gasp! A fine discovery if I do say so myself. But I still feel tight in my face and throat like I might cry and I have that sinking dread in my belly like I might just cry a whole lot. That always used to fascinate me as a kid... the belly bit in particular. It fascinated me so much sometimes that I forgot to cry. Also the way that light looks through tears is amazing. I always thought so and then I would accidentally stop crying. But in general as a kid I look like I might be a little bit on drugs. I remember being so amazed with the world and wanting to grow up so fast. It is too bad that life is so disappointing.

I am using somebody else's computer right now and they have moneys just sitting out in a mug on their desk. If I was a less moral or a more vengeful person I could be much richer right now. Or maybe only a few dollars richer. Either way.

Synthetic

Okay... for the past few days I have tried to post but nothing has been showing up. Mayhaps today I will have better luck.

I regret to inform you dear reader that there is an epidemic at Cornell College. Everyone is sick except me. I am invincible! My immune system is second to none. Honestly though, I am scared like a deer in headlights of getting sick. Especially since I seem to spending a goodly amount of time with said sick people and I happen to live with a sick person. I will enjoy my health while it lasts.

Tomorrow I get class off in order to read As I lay Dying by your friend and mine Willie Faulkner.

In other news, I have discovered what we must do about this whole water business. Actually it was Freddy's idea but I stole it so I get all the credit. We simply go to Hilary Putnam's twin earth and import their XYZ in place of our H2O. Think about it... quaxel or twater as it were instead of that poisonous liquid we now consume daily. Ah, but already I have found a flaw. I bet the people on twin earth die too... so twater must be poisonous too. Really you scientists need to get right on finding a water substitute though. It is prolly too late for us but think of the children! For those of you who are unaware of my water theories you should look in the scientific journals under my name. I was the scientist that made the brilliant deduction that everybody drinks water and everybody dies so therefore water is what is killing us. It gets worse though... water is addicting so do not read this and then go attempt to stop drinking water... the withdrawal will kill you.

Freddy says I am on crack. He also says that the media has caused a scare of some sort and Crack is not in fact damaging in any way to your health nor does it have any other effect on you other than to make you have crazy theories about water. I guess he would know being as he took "Crime and Deviance" or somesuch last block. Also he is a physicist like Einstein which makes him automatically genius.

So enough about today. I begin to tire. I finished my paper on Frankie Fitzgerald's Great Gatsby and Tender is the Night.. it is not the masterpiece I expected but is nonetheless pure synthetic genius. I love the word synthetic. I think it might sort of work there maybe.

Shabberdabby?

I am not feeling so well today. I feel more sadly than I have in a goodly while. I think what started the sadness was not being able to make my sister feel better. Then I think that devolved into all of my other "troubles".

Today when I was driving home from visiting my sister I had no idea where I was going but I prayed a whole bunch and somehow I ended up here. This is undeniable proof that there is a God.

Also, Freddy brought me into King Chapel after dark and I can confirm that it is haunted. I saw one ghost heard another there is a creaky door and a spooky painting. Also, I decided it must suck to be God. I love churches in the dark. It is one of those times that I believe without question like a child with my whole corny heart that he must exist. I don't know if his existence makes me happier or sadder though. He is just one more reason I can't screw things up yet I always feel like He could make everything better and He just choses not to. I am pretty mad at Him right now and fairly sure He does in fact exist.

But yeah... general woe and sadness. My life is so hard! Freddy just mocks me and says my life cannot be so hard if there are three people who want to make mad passionate love to me. The problem is that the love part seems in my opinion to be missing. But I will not complain further since I am feeling better already from this little amount of complaint and if I do more I might only succeed in convincing myself that I should be sad again.

I am who I am

what's happening?

I am satisfied. My life seems okay and my confidence is up. I am falling in love with myself all over again.

I spent today lazing about and such. I do not think that just because I have things to do I feel busy. I feel comfortably occupied.

Not much in the works. Tomorrow is friday and my alcohol supply is virtually out. Two weeks til payday.

good old Joseph

My novel is going well, and I am enjoying my block so far.

Today at lunch I got to enjoy a lengthy discussion about my good old friend Joey Mohs. General reminiscing was had by all as well as merriment. More material was attained for my novel.

I went to write the next chapter of my novel July 2004 but was unable to. That was when me and Evan got engaged. I do not know if I will be able to write this chapter at this time. I may have to skip it until later in the month. Though me and Evan are once again hanging out and the pain is minimal I do not feel that this particular memory will be very much fun at this time. On the other hand this might be the perfect time to write about it because I know I would pour all of my passion into it. We will see how I am feeling after I read the section of the book I am sposed to read as well as what time it is.

Yes me and Quinton are once again hanging out and I have great hope that this can continue to be the case this time. I have healed considerably though sometimes I may get a little down about the whole situation. He is so awesome though. I know I have not done him justice in describing him to anyone ever especially since the break up, but he really is awesome. That is if you dont expect a whole lot out of him. But I suspect that most people are at their best when you dont try and obligate them into being so.

It is important, I have decided, to appreciate people. People dont get enough appreciation and they need so much of it. So I have at least one likable quality after all in that I appreciate people well.

At dinner everyone's new favourite subject was discussed passionately at length. Yes we discussed none other than your friend and mine... said "sex". Specifically the differences in how the genders view it. Sound familiar? It seems to be the new hot topic. It is like boys and girls are discovering each other all over again.


Speaking of sex... I womped Freddy at pool tonight because I am a pool professional. I might have let him win every time, but we could both tell who had the skills. Yeah... about going out with somebody for two days and then flipping a coin to decide to just be friends again. Everybody should try it.

In other news I want to fly in an airplane. Also, I am hoping to go to Chicago over November break. Maybe I could even visit you Eddius!

(I absolutlely passionately am madly in love with the phrase "In other news")

(Also F. Scott Fitzgerald rocks my face off!)

Sorry for the disjointed nature of this blog. I seem to only be having partial thoughts at the moment. I am mostably happy and living in the present in general. This is about as good as it gets. Damn... I havent seen "As Good As It Gets" in forever. I have to watch that some time soon.

my novel to be

I am starting my novel today, and all you fine people should be in it. I intend to give you fictional aspects and names of course. I can't wait, but I think I should start my laundry first. My life is good and my Halloween was better. I got to watch Ghostbusters and have pizza and twix. Then I got to view Rocky Horror. Between these fine spectacles I got to pour water on Evan's head and sing Happy Birthday to Kim in her place of business (even though it wasn't actually her birthday.) It was the best Halloween I have had in years, especially since Arlo & Ben made such awesome girls. On the downside Freddy managed to mutilate my toe with his shoe and it is rather sore. Today I got to argue pro-war, pro-Bush, and anti-women's liberation. Other than that there isn't much happening in my little life. I love you people.