If Emerson has charmed me with his "pepper-corns of informations" and his refusal to carve out a definite philosophy, then he has also left me bitter from his desire to believe all the details are related to some whole or microcosms of it.
The details will ever and always be so much more beautiful to me than any "whole". Every "whole" will continue to seem an illusion or masterpiece created by mankind, an attempt at a Sartrian completeness as it were. Any whole that might exist, would be to me like God who might exist, too expansive and complete for such fragmented and perception-dependent minds as ours to comprehend, which is not to say I do not appreciate the illusion, masterpiece, or idea of wholeness that you might try to explain to me, but rather that I see any such "whole" as a reflection of you or as a "whole" that is impossible to truly comprehend without an understanding of the greater whole. The beauty is not in the knowing or understanding of everything, but rather in the perceiving of things. I do not believe our perceptions tap into some greater meaning or spirituality, but rather that they create meaning and spirituality.
I see in Emerson's work and philosophy many of my own strengths and faults, and I begin to think of myself that large numbers of people might be enamoured of me and be inspired by me. Or alternatively I begin to feel that both Emerson and I are frauds. Indeed, some critics would argue it one way and some the other. I begin to doubt that opinion of me matters at all.
To not listen to everyone else, this would be my greatest pleasure, and the one I refuse my self time after time. Or do I? Even this I turn to the reader to answer "am I really what I am saying I am?" And this is characteristic of any form of me I might adopt to fulfill any role.
The humbleness of Benjamin Franklin, at show in my words, but maybe I am just as proud.
What I am afraid of is that I actually think I am awesome. Once I start down that path I must admit to my own Selfishness, which I have been taught to abhor, and to Resent the lack of complete interest, devotion, and love that has been ever present in my life. I want too much. I want to be a Sublime Being or I want to be Scum. I certainly do not want to be just another person you meet on the street and you have no heart-wrenching reaction to.
I can only conclude, that I want to be too much. I want to be intensity. So bright you have to look away and cannot look upon me again or so shiny that you can't look away and must remain mesmerized for eternity. I want nothing short of complete awe, admiration, and obsession or disgust, repulsion and obsession. I want, in this world of lives that pass by unnoticed or ineffectual, to be something out of the ordinary. I want power, I want control, I want passion, I want to be your saving grace or your downfall. For you to pass me by and not even notice me there would be heartbreaking, if I actually thought highly of you. It is lucky that I do not think very highly of most people. I want to be an extreme, not an extremist. I do not want to be understood, I want to be complex. I want to fill your senses to the point of extreme pleasure, extreme pain, or maybe both. I want to be the piece of artwork that sticks with you throughout your life. The story that you compare all your other stories to. The idea that is set up as the thing you are always trying to prove or the only thing you are trying to disprove. I want to be phenomenal.
Try as I might, think as I might, believe as I might, hope as I might...
This is what I want. I want to be recognized. I want to be larger than life. I want to be divine or diabolical. I do not want to be... just another human. I don't want to be a part or reflection of some greater whole... I want to be a whole.
