Nightmareland
I had seven variations of the same nightmare over the course of last night. I woke up yelping, and there was someone there to comfort me for perhaps the first time ever.
Everything hurts.
I am actually excited for the future... I found about seven grad school MFA in Creative Writing programs that I am interested in. Mostably they are low-residency. That's good. It gives my future flexibility. I don't feel like I am shoving myself into yet another boxed off four years.
All I really want is for him to love me. It has reached insanity. I am obsessed. And I feel helpless and hopeless.
In my nightmares, the same little boy stabbed me every time, sometimes others joined in, sometimes the boy was my age. Every time I let him go get the knife because I didnt think he would stab me again. He seemed so innocent. He had animated eyes.
The nightmares kept coming and they were so real. After I woke up for a while they were still more real than reality to me.
At least one time I actually died. I started to panic but then I decided I couldnt do anything about dying and I just needed to think about what I wanted to think about for those last few minutes of life. So I tried to think about him, but all I could think about was his name and I couldnt actually picture his face.
I hate to think that he was the boy.
Freud would have a nice time interpreting my dream, methinks.
I am scared. I think I am losing control again. I think I am falling apart.
On a typical day I actually feel fairly happy. I am as always melodramatic.
posted by Hope @ 9:08 AM
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