im back again

so... maybe it's just pms... but i am definitely going crazy and having major mood swings... i feel much better now... dont worry about me too much. I mean... there's gotta be something better. Right?

i am back

and so is the pain. I was watching this tv show and this character was battling for custody of his daughters and now i just feel pain. it is somewhat welcome after such a long break. i deserve it somehow... or i need to deserve it in order to make it less painful... because if i do not deserve it then it is even worse. I dont think i am very coherent right now. just moments ago i was upstairs talking to pictures of evan on my computer screen... trying to reason things out to them i guess... about how this shouldnt have happened... i can't go on... and what's more is i don't want to... i would rather die now then settle for calm emotionlessness and insincere attempts at love and friendship for the rest of my life... it is all so fickle... all so random... all so out of control... without purpose... without anything... void...empty... fucked up insane assfuckingly painful randomly ritualistically sadistic... then again maybe it's just the hormones... the chemicals in my brain... in my mindless mind... my diluted self... my meaningless futile self... the one that smiles even though i am too happy... cries even though i am too emotional... feels even though i shouldnt... doesnt feel even though i should... everybody wants something different... and i try to give... and i thought for once... somebody loved me back that way... i thought it because i needed it to be true... but it was true somehow... somehow he will always be mine... my tears come and this time i wont stop them... i dont care if i am foolish or stupid or failing everybody any more... maybe the only thing i could ever do for myself is death... my mother always told me that suicide is selfish... my mother always told me that i was selfish... but i always hope... i dont know why... that maybe things will make sense if i just hang on a little longer... try a little harder... maybe people will start to care about me... maybe life will be fair... maybe this time when things change it will be for the better... maybe this person who promises me will keep that promise... a year ago i had what i always wanted... i dont want anythign less or more ever... i am tired of settling... of watchign things get worse... i opened this blog to complain... and now every time i write i feel like apologizing for going on about myself... this blog is mine... my words... my thoughts... my overreactions... mine... me... my... now... fuck you world.... life... all... i was programmed wrong. And I make no apologies for it.

"fill what's empty"

I read somewhere once that the secret to good living was "fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." I have always found it most true.

I always feel a void when I must leave off writing for a few days, especially for a few days filled with real and choking emotion. However, even now I feel like a little kid sneaking some cookies. My parental type units are in the other room. But, I spose it is my own fault for not being inspired earlier for the few precious moments that I was left alone in this fine casa. But at any rate I write this entry to fill that void and not really to convey any purposeful meaning. I am sure that my mother will catch on and ruin this as she has ruined so much, especially since every time I do create an entry I delete the whole history from the last four days, this in not likely to go unnoticed, and I can't very well tell her I am watching porn, though I may or may not have done that with my previously mentioned free time.

Now and again these past few days, having nothing to do from time to time and no homework to fill it with, thoughts have finally begun to sneak their way into my little head about the reality of happenings this year, and the morality issues, and the feelings that I really feel when I pay attention. And it hurts for those few moments. And I think about maybe changing certain patterns of behavior, and then I forget because there is something better to do. I will be in the wrong part of this house, or I will hear the wrong piece of some song, or the wrong song entirely, and I will suddenly remember that I used to be in love... strongly, passionately, in love. And without that love I feel empty. Everything else is a substitute. After youve tasted the good stuff, the crap doesnt taste so good any more. It doesnt matter that there isnt anything particularly bad replacing such a wonderful feeling, it only matters that the beautiful feeling is gone. The simple faith. The diligence. The security. I am no worse off than any other person, but it grates me.

I must away.

afterglow

So my fine friend, I know you are coming today but I know not when.

In other news in the words of my immortal mother "merry fucking christmas" as she so charmingly put it on the very day of Christmas itself. And why? Because I refused to help with the dishes. This was followed by a humbling speech by Grandmother.

Ah, yes, there is much peace (to be sure) in the Davidson household, and people are as rational as ever.

It appears that my attempts to arrange alternate partying locations and patrons for the celebration of the coming New Year have failed, and I shall once more be spending it with my quaint little family. Family, family, everywhere and not a drop to drink.
I spose there are worse things.

I don't exactly miss Cornell, I am just becoming accustomed to a whole new set of troubles. I am too wrapped up in not wanting any more troubles that I find myself largely uneffected by things that once effected me very much. I am having as much fun here as back there and in both places all of the fun seems unsatisfactory somehow. But it is an unsatisfied state that I am content to be in as long as it distracts me for a little while from any real feeling. Bah! I don't know if I am even making sense any more.

sheriff tom

So... for those of you who haven't heard the story of my life this past weekend a million jillion times, I would like to herein recite it. This past Friday was spent in jolly merrification of eggnogs and hot cocoas with Ben and Freddy, complete with a walk to our friendly local grocer's... Gary's. So it went off without a hitch.

Now I knew that Saturday evening was going to be quite the feat since I had made a total of five social engagements for the same exact evening (starting at around 3p) and was invited to another one that very same afternoon. Little did I know what the next 24 hours would contain.

Firstably I was to meet Evan in the Ratt at 3p in order to receive my fine waterbottle back so that I could grab some sodas at dinner for the party that evening. However, upon arriving in the Ratt Evan informed me that he had ordered a pizza and invited me to share it with him. Simultaneously I realized that I would not be making it to dinner at all because I had told Jess I would go to view "Narnia" with her at 5p. Therein I proceeded to procur a brown bag for dinner from the Ratt and joyously partake in onion pizza while watching some show about fixing a car, which Evan enjoyed immensely. It was then that I realized my journey to claim my waterbottle was futile seeing as I would no longer be attending dinner. Hencely I asked Evan if he had a quarter I could borrow and he assured me he did, but that we would have to journey to his place of living in order to retrieve it. Thusly when I arrived in Pfeiffer I was accosted by Ben who insisted I should eat pancakes. Instead I played some pool with Ben, Freddy, and Bette until I had to go meet Jess for the movie.

Secondly, I ended up back in my room at around 4:40p where Jess was getting ready to go elsewhere thinking wrongly that I had forgot our plans. We went to said movie and I enjoyed it quite thoroughly, though Jess slept through virtually the entire movie. I also has two largish cups of soda whilst at the cinema and proceeded to become, through effects of the caffeine and such a delightful showing, quite exhilarated. I believe my exact words were "Jess, I am in such a good mood. I will never be in a bad mood again." Fool.

Thirdly, I rushed up to Kimly's room fully expecting to meet both herself and Arlo and mayhaps even Freddy to partake in alcoholic beverages and british comedy with. I found only Kimly who gave me a thorough scolding for being so remiss as to show up an hour late (the tickets for the 5:30 show had been unattainable and we had to wait til 6:30). Then I ran about in a caffeined and frenzied state in a quest to find Arlo who had assured us of his presence. After a goodly forty minutes of searching we found said Arlo with other friends having completely forgotten us. He was upset she was upset and I was upset that they were upset. I ended up at a cuddle orgy with Ben, but left before the cuddling began to attend the fine winter party where I expected to find Evan as the DJ.

Fourthly, I found the party had shut down early and I helped them clean up. I also proceeded to spend some "quality time" with Evan leading to further realizations of precisely how "doomed" I still am.

Fifthly, I finally met up with my good friends Freddy, Ben, Bette, and Natalie in the great hopes that I would get some pizza with my unspent dollar. However, in the last moments I realized that Jess still had my keys and Natalie was too tired to drive and all other partisans were incapable of such activities.

So with our tails between our legs, as it were, Freddy and I journeyed back to my place of dwelling and on the way Freddy was inspired enough to inquire "Want to get trashed?" And I was quite amenable and proceeded the imbibing of some choice beverages combined with the orange soda I did indeed buy with my dollar. I proceeded to lecture to Freddy about how important art and philosophy are and as I became more and more intoxicated I am sure that I made less and less sense as well as offending any scientist within earshot of me. Freddy is a physicist. Suffice it to say he did not take kindly to this and I responded in my kind by overreacting (especially under the influence of that demon liquor) and bawled my eyes out for some length of time whilst the room spun uncontrollably. I had not consumed very much but I had consumed it quite quickly. Freddy spent the night.

4a... our good hero sleeps.

Four hours later I was awakened by a phone call asking for Jess when I said she was not there they asked again and I in my cheery lack of sleep hungover condition rather snapped at the fellow wherein he indulged that he was Sheriff Tom, my car was being towed, and Jess was in the hospital... all in one sentence. This, I must say, was the most unpleasant way to be awoken that I have ever happed upon. Long story shorter Jess is fine but my car is short a passenger side window and a mirror among other things. Also, Corporate Hardee's has agreed to pay for said damages because Jess was on the clock when the rolling over of my car occurred. I spent all afternoon today trying to get my car, but it all failed. I am slightly annoyed simply because I never told Jess she could use my car and because I feel she could have done more today in order to get my car back. This means the earliest I can get my car in to be fixed is tomorrow... I was sposed to be driving home this coming Thursday morn but it seems that I might have to lay low for a while after that before I will regain a healthy car.

All in all things could be worse. However, I am stressed as a smooshed worm. And I feel twice as frazzled. I'll never be in a good mood again...

bwahahaha

The perfect human. 29 Cruelty, 29 Anal, 38 Pushover

Congratulations. You're easy-going, friendly and know when to stand up for yourself. You're perfect. In fact, you're a little bit too perfect. Chances are, hoards of jealous people are plotting your demise at you read this. Tough luck, pal.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 58% on Cruelty You scored higher than 26% on Anal You scored higher than 80% on Pushover

Link: The Why Do People Hate You? Test written by sofia__m on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

"Follow me in merry measure"

I would herein like to express my concern over lack of holiday spirit and "magic" expressed by a goodly number of my friends and colleagues. It seems to me that this is a normal part of what many of us seem to be going through this year. A sudden realization that this holiday is not made for us. Tis a holiday for children and parents not for apathetic or angsty college students. Mayhaps we can attend a jolly drunk holiday party and sing carols at the top of our lungs and make out with several attractive colleagues under the mistletoe and wake up in the morning with a headache and a slight feeling of over compensation for the undeniable lack of any "magic" present in any of it.

It worries me that our apathy has demolished something that for many of us was something we could not help but care about and get utterly excited over as children. But, in chosing to not care about some things many other things that we used to care about, and might even still try to care about, disintegrate into a mild feeling within us that some feeling ought to be there. If you don't have the holiday spirit in the back of your heart throughout the year, my friends, it will not come back because you participate in a few over commercialized activities. Rituals rarely bring the feeling they are intended to bring but rather bring out a feeling that is already present and is being celebrated within the ritual. If you don't care that people are poor you probably wont care on Christmas. If you don't see things you wish you could buy and give people every time you go to the store, you probably won't be excited to buy them something around Christmas. We forget that the difference between many of us now and many of us then is that then we were constantly excited about things. Christmas was just a time where there were particularly beautiful decorations and a particularly good reason to celebrate and we actually got to give and get. Many of us daily though would wait with nearly as much anticipation for our parents to tell us we could go play with a friend as we waited on Christmas Eve for Santa Claus. Many of us daily saw something new and were excited about it just as on Christmas Eve we may have become excited that Jesus was coming into the world. It isn't that the spirit or "magic" have disappeared from Christmas, for many of us it is that they have disappeared altogether. The closest thing many of us have is when we experience a similar dumbed down version of it when we start a new relationship or partake in some particularly sensuous activities or even merely catch someone's eye for the first time or receive our paycheck every month.

In short what I am proposing is that if you chose not to care about some things then you may care less about all things. I would like to see more of my friends feeling excited to throw snow or bake cookies than throwing snow and baking cookies to feel excited. Excitement has become for many of us a thing you experience when something good happens not a thing you experience in anticipation of something good just maybe happening... we have all been disappointed too many times. So forget about holiday spirit... all of you... forget about "magic" and even tradition... just do the stuff like you would any other day. Just enjoy it. And don't even bother trying to get excited about it. You just might find yourself excited anyways... if college hasn't eaten your soul yet.

(Sorry to those of you who find this post annoying, beside the point, etc. I was mostly just lecturing to myself and using you as my audience.)

in the door

For those of you unawares I very recently purchased Heaven from the Cedar Rapids Walmart. It is a yard and three quarters of some divinely soft white fabrics from said store. It is nice.

Furthermore, I have received the Journal "1913" I am indeed published in. It is so awesome. I am famous now.

Also, I have received a very soft Cornell hoodie for Christmas.

All in all life is good if a little bit painful.

I got a snow day today.

I am not really happy right now... but I am sure I will be.

I wish I could make friends better. I wish I could be awesome.

I wish much. But in this I am just like you.

I got to see the fabled chocolate fountain today.

Forgive me my dears... I fear I am not myself today.

Alo mis amigos

So... I was so caught up in blissful imagery yesterday that I didn't really go into any appreciation of other recent happenings besides that of being dumped. I am pleased to tell you, my dear scalliwags, that I was most fortunate this past weekend to do many fun things (and people (j/k)):). Firstly on friday my faithful friend Freddy fortuitously fortified me for a fine winter frolic in the snow... we went sledding. I, myself, was a little inebriated and I can tell you I was in the holiday spirit. Later, Freddy joined me for some piping hot cocoa whilst we chatted the night away and watched some crazy discovery channel thing about when all these people escaped from death row.

Saturday also proved to be a fine experience barring being dumped. The dumpage in question occurred at approximately five o'clock right before the festivus feasting began. My good friend Adam... some of you may remember him from distantly past bloggings... brought me to dinner. Therein he proceeded to inform me "I would fuck you." To this I unthinkingly replied "Yeah, but I heard you arent very discriminate." He was rather offended but things were soothed out enough that later he proceeded to do such things as grab my arse, bite my neck, and propose that I spend the night at his room. Fortunately, I spent the night with Jess and her fine boyfriend David. They also bought me a milk shake. Also, David showed me the theatrical trailer for the upcoming masterpiece "Pirates of the Carribean 2". Yar... who be joinin' me fer the viewin'?

But Sunday was the day I enjoyed by far the most. I got to go bowling! I scored 123 both games. I got a strike for you Shannon. For you Francis I only managed to fell 7 pins. I didn't even bowl for you Eddius seeing as you were never anything but a spoil sport when it came to bowling. It was much fun but Freddy and I were the only ones bowling and I do not think Freddy understands the spirit of said "bowling" (curse his Chicagoan competitiveness). He would not join me in the classical Shnookerz high five. Also, you had to pay, if you wanted music, the said "jukebox". After that it was off for some fine eating at an obscure chinese buffet. I was late for work. Then last night Freddy gave me "Scrooged" as a Christmasly present. It is a fine movie indeed.

I am sorry to bore you with detailed accounts for those of you who are more interested in the "why" than the "what" and "how". Just want those of you I don't get to talk with to be able to see what my life is right now. Yeah.

Please note: alliteration is fine is small dosages I mightve gone just a smidge overboard. Forgiveness is always welcome.

Proverbially

the "I told you so" rings in my ears, even though noone has actually said it. My self-confidence is at an all time high (well since my Senior year of highschool peak)... my confidence in people is at an all time low... and my happiness varies from moderate to content. Obviously, I have been dumped yet again.

It hurts even though I knew it would come. Like when they give me a shot and they tell me to look away... and that it won't hurt... and then it always does anyways, but barely more than the fear while I am waiting. Oh I am so wily with metaphors. Yes, pizza.

At any rate depression escapes me. I feel this constant excitement for what might happen mixed with the fear now. I feel hope now when I think about my future, though the fear still overpowers that feeling. I am enamoured with the better things in life, the good people around me... soft things... kitties... laughter... simple pleasures in general. I am excited to learn new things and go new places and meet new people.

Invariably every year I look back at the year before and think "I thought I had problems then but I would trade my problems now for my problems then. Everything was so much better back in the day." This either means that every year is worse or that I never realize how good I've got it because I am always comparing it to idealized memories.

I intend to enjoy this year, and I have been, despite certain set backs. I intend to continue trusting people & to continue receiving medically necessary vaccinations. I will contine putting myself out there despite the risk of pain. In short I am slowly working away from that grovelling submissive cowardly self-pitying hermit I was last year. "If happy I can be I will, if suffer I must I can." (From Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom). I love that line, especially since it is so Yoda-esque. Oooo neologisms and metaphors all in the same blog. Creativity is a child feasting on pain. Wabaaaam!

(Some of you took note that the fine internet (the undeniable source of truth in this universe) has identified my heart as blue. This can only mean one thing... Patrick knew instinctually what the internet could only discover through years of planning and a 20 question quiz. Wiggy.)

not addicted

and I am not a copycat either...
(yeah right)

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

me and my crazy ways

I am a crazy little bug. Today this kid gave a presentation and I got it in my head that he would be a nice person to actually get to know. So I send this crazy message to him via facebook and just when I am thinking I am really stupid and I am going to be so uncomfy in class tomorrow (partially due to certain friends of mine freaking out when I tell them)I open my email and he has listed me as his friend. So I guess some people are still not creeped out by direct honesty. I really could use a friend who likes to sing... likes to listen to people sing even if theyre bad... is interested in laughing... and is most importantly happy. I still feel silly and class tomorrow might be a little odd. But I trusted my instincts and it worked out okay.

Why cant I make friends the right way?

Oh well... I feel rather happy. I want to do something fun tonight... celebrate... I doubt it will happen. Tomorrow is friday and I plan on doing nothing.

bah... i have a good spirit

Snow White You scored 58 Independence, 73 Romance, 66 Loyalty, and 51 Practicality!

You are Snow white! Family is just as important to you as love, and both go hand in hand for you. You know in your heart that you are destined to be someones Princess, to meet your prince, but in the meanwhile you don't mind spending time with family and friends, because they mean a lot to you. Although you aren't very good at defending yourself and can be a little trusting and naiive, you look after others with your kindness and practical skills, good at any job you set your mind too, timid but efficent. You have a good pure spirit, and don't need to be having a wild exiciting time to be happy, because you know you get your romantic ending even if sometimes all seems lost.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 10% on bravery You scored higher than 99% on love You scored higher than 89% on family You scored higher than 0% on brains

Link: The What Disney Female are you Test written by lu-mina on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

mischief smiles

So a few days after being shunned by the head of the cultural show as I told her I was going to eat crickets, apparently now I am invited by those higher up to provide cricket cookies for said show. Unfortunately, I am not made of either money or time nor do I particulary desire to kill more tiny creatures who have no flavor in order to make people feel like they are stepping outside of their cultural norms and being "open minded". It is just a cricket... get over it. I dont know why it all of the sudden bothers me so much... maybe because it has been all the talk for about a week and I wasted my weekend on it and now all I have is a measly A- to show for it. Not even an A which wouldnt even make me feel much better because it is just a grade. Ah, but the knowledge is invaluable. But so is a weekend. I want my weekend back I guess :( Well I had a midweek weekend last week so why not this week?

Yes that was a pointless glob of jabbering venting.

In other news, Vancis FranWetering you are sposed to be sending me a link to your fine journal blog bopper. This would be muchly appreciated. I heart you.

In other news, Shannon you should update your blog more often... I check it every time I get onto a computer.

In more interesting news, last night I found a blog from my best friend in seventh grade. She looks so much the same but her hair is dyed red. She had a band at the time of this blog... but this was in 2003. Bah.

Methinks I am getting screwed over in life. For how hard I try and how good I ireally am. Bbut hey it was always thus... bad things happen to good people. Certain individuals are too lucky and actually end up with a semidecent life. People like me never succeed, because we "overreact".

Iam on a public computer so I think Ii should go now.

chasm

my dear friends and would be allies. I regret to inform you that I have nothing of great import to say. I find that my life becomes nothing but a repetition of past grievances and future hopes and present moments out of my control. Where is the meaning in all of that? Nowhere to be found.

My mind wearies of even trying. For the first time ever it actually turned off for a while the other night. Yes, my friends, it is not the well oiled piece of machinery it used to be. Obviously the alcohol has killed my little brain cells, though this particular brain turn offing was not coinciding with alcohol consumption.

I suppose I will have speaks with the fine counselor to appease my fine friend Stevie. Truth be told I have litle desire for anything to change right now. It is not that I no longer experience sorrow or joy, but rather that I no longer seem to care which I am presently engaged in. Anger alludes me because I have nothing figured out enough at this point to assert that my position is right. It is like I might have initial feelings still to any event, but after that I am no longer aware of any emotion (no longer experience any emotion?) I really don't know what I will say to the fine counselor who by now I believe has diagnosed me with about five types of insanity. That is pretty insane and she hasnt even seen me drunk.

I think I might be a little allergic to crickets as a food. Both times I have consumed them today I have felt slightly flushed/feverish for a while afterwards. It could just be coincidence Though my sources did say that those who try the witchety grub for the first time experience violent stomach spasms. This does not sound very pleasant to me though I ever so much want to try said grub because it sounds rather tasty to me.

Now I know what it is like to not be a "me" but a "them". "Them" referring to humankind.

Oh yeah... It was suggested to me that I might include some positive speculations and or have an entirely positive blog post at some point. Gasp! If I do have one of these in the near future I ask you to forgive me if it is too utterly boring or corny.

My happy thoughts are primarily of a corny or fucked up nature in general.

I feel hopeful that things have to work out. I don't know exactly how but the pieces seem to be in place to provide for a comfortably happy school year for me. I have progressed in many ways this year. I have learned to enjoy my own company and to accept criticism as an expression of another individual rather than neccesarily a reflection on my own self worth. I have learned how to lie in my bed and think again or go on a long chilled walk through the snow and enjoy its glitter alone. I have a genuine interest in everything I am learning... it has been a while since I have felt so passionate about school as I have these past few months. I have learned to enjoy people rather than worrying if they like me I just assume that they do. Yes, self improvement has been my primary concern of late. But at the same time I seem to have lost my moral compass. I trust myself almost too much if 'tis possible.

I look forward to general relaxation this evening and I am grateful that my boss forged my signature in order to get my timecard turned in on time. It honestly seems like a small miracle.

Also I had a modest, novel, and succesful party this past weekend. This makes me most happy. I hope that I will only continue to feel this comfy in large groups including people I do not know very well or at all.

That is really all I've got. My brain has not been functioning as of late.