simoom

These last few months have obviously been nearly as stormy as the rest of the year. I replaced a boyfriend who loved me but did not respect or adore me, with a boyfriend who did not love me but did respect and adore me. It was an upgrade, but it was never meant to be a final solution.
He told me that he didn't want anything long term, and that was a stab. A few weeks later he dumped me for a few days, and that was a stab. But now he informs me that his summer job fell through and he will be returning to Kansas for the summer, and that is a simoom.
These past few months I have been remembering what it is like to have a friend who actually makes you feel good about yourself. I have been gaining confidence and enjoying life and dreaming and planning. I have had somebody to try new things with. I have somebody to share my hopes and fears with. I have had somebody telling me what I do right instead of focusing on what I do wrong. I have had somebody to stay up late at night laughing with again. I have had somebody who made me want to be a better person. I have had somebody to revel in a single choice word with. Life has been pretty damn good.
And now I will be living with Quinton again. I will be fairly cut off from the rest of the world living in a small town with only a few of my friends, and none of my really close friends, left to spend time with and everybody busy all the fucking time anyways. God couldn't let me have one freaking ok summer.
It is my last summer. This won't happen again. Next summer will be worse as I dive into the unknown.
I'll make it through this. I am stronger than this. It will just hurt like a bitch for a while though.

monkeyshine

So apparently that whole dumping me thing is past now... i think. it is my understanding, that is, that we are back together. so what i am saying is that it was all one big entertaining joke. just to make sure i was still alive God said... "here have some pain". but i'm not bitter. actually, i am rather happy. good thing too.

proof

How evil are you?

I don't know. Barney is pretty evil. But I suppose this should help my confidence some. The internet couldn't possibly be wrong.

mmm break up sex

Possibly the worst poem I have ever written. But so true.

1. Get screwed over too many times
and then go out
and screw somebody else.

2. Drunk tears
can't hide what acts
sober audiences can't
see through.

3. MMM break up sex.
Because you need to know
it wasn't because you
were hideous.

4. How many guys does it take
before they are all the same guy?

5. If you're always good
enough
You're never good.

6. Don't believe in love
when he asks
"what if this is love?"

7. Smooth the creases
be a smooth caress
if nobody can like you
don't hurt so much
and be the world's placebo.

8. Never be too much
you're never enough.

9. Next time you want
to fall in love
get drunk
and dive down the stairs instead.

10. I love you ten times.

inconsistencies

Sometimes I deal very well with pain. Exceptionally well. Other times not so much. I always considered this some kind of fluke in my personality. Then I began last year some time to realize that the times when I was least deal with pain and stress coincided with my monthly visit from Auntie Flo. So even though I never realized it and I am still getting used to the idea I definitely do have PMS. You might not notice some months because I am not in a whole lot of emotional pain. But when the whole month has been an emotional mess you can expect me to be sensitive and irritable for a little while. I almost cried over girl scout cookies the other day.
So I am trying to drink alot of soy and eat citrus fruits which is sposed to help my estrogen levels which is sposed to help me cope with pain which is good because I am wading in pain right now.
It's nothing that big or that I can't deal with of course. Just painful.
Also I really like this guy Johnny Dewey who we are reading for my class. He believes that the idea of a "whole self" is an imagined ideal. We are really a series of memories of actions of ideas. This is why we can be so inconsistent, I have thought for a while. Why I can be completely one person sometimes and another person at other times. If you think about it... am I really the same person when I am made up of a set of hormones containing low estrogen as when I am made up of a set of hormones containing high estrogen? Tis a puzzlement.
Yeah. And I am sorry I keep missing calls. I want to talk to you Shannon :( Mornings are really good for me. I will try to email you good times to call during the weekend because I think I will be busy in the evenings until then.
I love you guys.