Aminals

I got to see a box turtle, ferret, bunny, and a bunches of dogs today. But no cats:( There was a dog that looked like old Rascal even. I most especially liked the box turtle especially when it would yawn.

I have been playing word games like crazy lately and generally not sleeping. I can feel my old writer instincts coming back to me... and it is Kick Ass. Alls I have to do is write a 6pager and I am done with this class. I plan to take the Nietzsche class next year. I need to understand him more because he is my soul mate.

I do not enjoy sugary beverages being poured on my head. I also do not enjoy getting enraged when sugary beverages are poured on my head, however. It makes me look stupid. But I guess I have settled into my role within this particular group. I am sposed to be the bitch I guess. The girl who talks the talk and doesn't follow through. I am sposed to be cold hearted and dishonest. I guess I can pull this image off though it is not my usual role. I guess I kind of do enjoy being mean... not nearly as much as being funny... but if people want to take my comments seriously... if no matter what I do I am in the wrong... then I might just as well be in the wrong. I just feel like my humor is interpreted as insult and my playful mischief is interpreted as cheating or picking fights. And I am tired of fighting it. Because it hurts considerably less when someone calls you a bitch and you were trying to be.

I grow tired of things and I hope it is just the lack of sleep because it would be ironic indeed if I chose right now, when things are going well, to give up on people.

At any rate there is some suck in my life but mostably a bunch of yay. I do not think I should even complain about such small things in case there ever is really anything to complain about again. Prolly not I am sure... from here on out it should be smooth sailing. (Said with sarcasm).

epiphany

I feel that I am really close to figuring something out... but I am not. So... I will post all my random notes that I took while reading about asceticism and trying to have an epiphany yesterday. Maybe you the readers can help me out. Or maybe seeing it like this can help me out. Or maybe it is a lost cause and I only think I am about to have a life changing thought. As such you may not want to read this post.

This is how the notes are on my paper currently...

Words mean but do not mean
(We are but we are not)
Lives mean but do not mean
Can't understand self No meaning? Conquered = pain conquered self
freedom from (death) vs. control over (life) body Pleasure = bad Pain = good Living instead of thinking about living
Does God have pain or pleasure? Through Jesus. Simplicity Sacred = freedom from (God) and control over (Jesus) and controlling things hear how to gain freedom from through God through Holy Spirit
If meaning to life-- if meaning to Christianity-- self-control/free will
Death = lack of pain = lack of pleasure = lack of control = freedom from
Jesus seclusion -- self -- self-contol
To live = to have control for a while
Ghosts = control over death? Masochism??
Desirability of life = desirability of pain = controlling things = humans
Desirability of avoiding pleasure some desirable pleasures food, sex, power, comfort, acceptance some desirable pains exhaustion, athleticism, challenge, obstacle
pain = sign of bodily harm? pleasure does not = more bodily help than bodily harm pain does not = more bodily harm than bodily help
why desire anything? instinct individualist vs. wholist good body health = more life control only over the mind? pain = neutral pleasure = neutral life = neutral
if we didnt die what could we accomplish argument
Could we control death? eventuality = choice of death or not
in Christianity gain that control by relinquishing that control
to have control is to be human? to want control?
Universe of things in control or controlled
Control = desirable not being controlled = not desirable
before life??? death = lack of control Masochism = control over pain
Letting go of desire for control is letting go of desire to live
"Let go and let God" free will = control control over mind = control
Pain = mini-death orgasm = mini-death
The primitive beginnings of the universe having rather being controlled
Resistance to authority authority reinforced Heaven = pleasure you have no control over and Hell = pain you have no control over Satan resists authority we resist authority
control over after life-- replay of life-- the question of time
To devote self to either is to only have control over one or the other -- control over self Pain & Pleasure... chose your poison
humans desire pain, death, pleasure, desire, life, control over everything
Humans want to be God... made in God's image... gain freedom from become like God gain control over become like Jesus... must do both... part of control over is freedom from
Letting go of control giving it to God is beginning of neutral is beginning of death
At war with God or idea of ultimate authority I want ultimate authority
Systematically try to take control of everything while having freedom from it
we might never reach ultimate control because we die unless afte we die we live again
if we dont learn to be like God and have freedom from and control over we will never have control over or freedom from death
we live again because we learned that control over death the power to chose pain or pleasure or neither
Cannot chose bodily reactions but can mold mental reactions... Christian belief that therefore bodies are not desirable... untrue... bodies are the first things we practice control over and freedom from
God says those who struggle for control will lose it and those who relinquish control will gain it... must have freedom from before you can have control over?
But also must go through Christ who has control over. So must give control to Christ who has control over who relinquishes control over to God who has freedom from who gives us freedom from from where we can control over.

Yeah. I'm getting closer. Thanks

exclusive

O.K. So... I am most definitely in a relationship with my dear Bob now... or as I like to call him "Bad Bob" (nephew of the legendary Bad Bob of the fabled Land of Adventure). 'Twould be happy indeed if it weren't for those pesky loose ends.

It is hard to move on from Evan. He meant/means a great deal to me. I am not sure I am making the "right" decision. Maybe I am giving up too easily. We were getting along so well. But... I love Bob... I am in love with Bob... and it is nice to finally find a man who is in love with me. He is quite the spicy piece of man chicken to boot. It is hard, but necessary, methinks to let go of the past. Otherwise there will never be any progress.

There are other loose ends... other people miffed or worse with me. There are regrets. There are people I need to tiptoe around and people I am quite convinced would rather I were unhappy again. And I am not quite sure how to proceed in these areas. But I am sure with time these issues, like all issues, will be resolved or forgotten about.

And then of course there is the age difference, I am a few years the elder of said Bob. I don't notice much in our private speakings and interactions but the maturity difference does make itself apparent from time to time in group settings. Besides that I just feel badly... like I might be destroying him somehow.

But really these are things not to be complained about. There is indeed stress, but it is mostly of the good kind. Happiness... insomuch as it can be obtained... has been obtained for me.

LOL

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indebtedness & curses

Thanks to all of you who have taken the trouble, or are planning to take the trouble, to go to the location posted in my last entry. It makes me happy, and of course I would be most eager to return the favor.

Oh, my faithful readers, it seems that your fine hero has gone and gotten herself in too deep. Not to mention the fact that I have a midterm today which I did not forsee and I am three days behind in the reading. I have not even begun to read such fellows as Marx and I only half finished the Kierkgard readings. It is too late now... let us hope that my kick ass note taking skills will be rewarded.

It is funny how very apt I am to think lowly of myself and curse myself for things that I have done, and yet my very first and passionate instinct when somebody else tries to claim that they have done something wrong usually is to either protest the wrongness or comfort the perpetrator. Right-o.

It wasn't a bad week to fall in love. The beautiful spring weather made it seem like an awesome time... and then the snow came. Curse Iowa weather. There are curses I would like to make today... deep down dark curses... the kind that would make my brilliant future children to grow hunchbacked and live short lives. Not because I would be cursing them but because I would be cursing Him who created them. The curse must needs be archaic and wrought with the most powerful words in the English language... nay in the world. But I am not so foolish, mayhaps.

please

Hey... I like to know about me... let me know... please

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Hoperston

stalking

I am told that nobody minds when I stalk them. Barge! I should drive fear into the hearts of all. My cruelty and hussiness should be known for miles around. Sometimes it feels like I can do no wrong... and then it falls apart and everybody is upset with me in some form.

I am creepy according to some. This bothers me as much as it humors me.

But if I am really creepy... then why don't people mind me stalking them? I heard once that if the other person likes you then the stalking is considered courting... and if they don't then it is stalking. Why do people like me? It disturbs me somehow. It makes me to become arrogant and careless in my old age. People lose meaning when too many of them are around. When I am trying to make everybody happy, I necessarily make everybody miffed. Because each individual would like to be my ultimate object of affection. Each individual cares nothing about the feelings of all of the other persons I am trying to balance in the mix.

All I know is that it has been a longly while since I have found somebody as fond of words as I am. And not only that but enjoys them in the same way that I do... for their sounds as well as their meanings. And to find such a person excites me deep down inside in a way that worries me. And I am reduced to the obsessive person I am apt to be. I seek them out without meaning to. My thoughts constantly are channeling an infinite loop of elated uncertainties. Could I fall in love? I think so at this point. Could somebody fall in love with me? I doubt it but I want it to be so. And then the thoughts related in this paragraph repeat.

At what point is one person worth more than others such that our society justifies it as "love"? Is it when we hate even our own family in order to follow Jesus? Or is it the moment we "fall"? Falling indeed is a mere letting go at this point. I know it could come any minute and I am holding on to rationality with all of my mental strengths. Because the last thing that I need right now is to "fall" to let go and completely care. But I want it so badly.

Please don't read any of this any more if it is going to upset you. It is not my intention to offend, but I have no intention of starting another blog. This blog has been opened for the purposes of me and my complaints. It has been so and it will be so.

In the end, all I know is that I feel like things will be resolved soon. Life might return to some sort of balance or normalcy soon. I might miss the excitement, but I will not miss the uncertainty. That is indeed if things ever do return to "normal"... if it is even possible at this point. I just definitely feel like I am on the edge of a cliff preparing to dive off... calculating my chances of survival. Slim to none. Deep breath in. I don't know if my parachute is functional and even if it is I must be careful. 3...2...1...

me

I think that throughout my life I have been trying to stay true to, to maintain sameness in, my soul as it were. Not really having a clear idea of what I believe this soul to be for all practical purposes I will say only that my soul is who I am. It isnt what I think, or do, or feel... I think it is greatly affected by what I believe... what it just is me. I have tried to stay true to it in everything I have done. It surprises me to realize that I think I have. Even though there are huge chunks of time I dont know who I am. Even though I have done so many things I never thought I would do. Even though some of you have stated that college really has corrupted me. In the end I keep the same wide eyed innocence throughout my first orgies as throughout my first crushes. I keep that same hunger for knowing people. That same sense of humor about everything whether it is good or bad. I keep that faith in people and goodness and some combination of the two. I still love Valentine's Day. I still enjoy losing track of the time because I am lost in a conversation. I still want to run wild and free and wade in creeks and walk on ice and make snow angels. I still want to play with clay and fingerpaint. I might watch some porn now and then... but I watch 101 Dalmatians almost every night. I haven't changed. I haven't become bitter. A bit more cautious sometimes a lot more scared but I am still motivated by the exact same things and I think my motivations are good.

That being said... I have been told that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And I dont know what exactly to do about that sometimes. It isnt that I think this statement is false, or that it doesnt apply to me, or that it doesnt make sense. I think my problem with this statement is that I certainly dont think that the way to Heaven is paved with bad intentions. I think good intentions are exactly that... good. And if you are intending to do good and youre messing up a bunch how exactly could a good God send you to eternally suffer? I just don't buy that. The problem lies of course when one acts against his or her good intentions or when one's good intentions are misguided. As for being misguided the only thing that a person can do is try to know as much as possible as often as possible before making a decision and I do that. So in the end if I am misguided to what degree is that my fault and to what degree is that God's fault for making me human? As a point of fact I very very rarely act against my good intentions, and I think overall I do alot of good things. I make alot of people happy that is. But come to think I don't think that this is really what Christianity is about at all. Happiness has very little to do with it. In fact a good Christian might arguably be quite unhappy, and it is in fact a sign of God's approval if he is putting you through trials. So I am left puzzled. Should I continue to try to gain happiness for myself and others being sure not to gain only temporary and foolish happiness but rather the happiness gained from full living and acceptance of unhappiness? Or should I focus instead on living on the straight and narrow, wisely and morally, and ignore happiness of any type for a while? In the end I know there is little question in my mind that I must do the former, but I must wonder if this makes me a bad person.

I wonder

I could write tonight about how I simply cannot stand people who are openly bitter towards Christianity, when I am not allowed to be openly bitter towards atheism or agnosticism or any such. Not that I would be or am but that if I were it would be unacceptable for me to say so but I must daily listen to mindless prejudices. For instance a fine friend of mine today refused to wear an "I am loved" pin because "religious people make those." When I pointed out that the message itself was not in any way exclusively Christian and showed her the pin she pointed out "the small 'R' in the circle." Yes, dear reader, obviously this is a Christian symbol. Upon realizing her mistake she simply changed her argument to be that "it was copyrighted by Christian organizations." (Note: quotes are likely not exact but very close in wording and meaning.) Here I offered my own comment about how I was proud of Bush for being a fine upstanding Christian. Ha Ha! Others at the table did not find this comment so funny and tried to smother me with tabasco sauce.

Anyways I didnt ramble on as bitterly as I should have liked about that, because I don't seem to be in the proper mood for it.

I made awesome Valentine Daysy things today!

At any rate, I am hoping tonight that my future holds more for me than my present does. I am not content. I do not approve. My present is enjoyable in that over indulgent sort of way. The way where you really really want to have pizza but you cant so you snack on anything even remotely resembling any of the flavors contained in pizza that you happen to have lurking about in your cupboards. Yay metaphors.

Anywho, I hope everybody is having an awesome February, since I havent talked to several of you in a while. I love you all. I will talk to you soon hopefully.

Mercurial

I don't want for you, my dear reader, to think that these past weeks have been all "hearts and flowers and daisies and doves" for your fair hero. There have been times where I have thought about the immorality and confusion I seem so eager to bring into my life. And I have come to a conclusion. I must dismiss a few of my suitors.

Yes, I think I will begin with this fine critter who seems so apt to believe that "In the end there is only success and failure." A statement I resist on so many levels. As many of you know, I dislike extremes. And as many of you further know, I dont like to fail.

I know it seems cruel, but certain cut backs and sacrifices must be made. There is only so much of me and only so much time. I am now taking applications. Extremists need not apply.

In further news, I love my class. Philosophy is the shit. Hopefully the Professor is right and we are not just "discussing quaint little stupid ideas."

Down to 197... 9 to go. 4 this week.

I dont want to date other guys. I only want to date Evan. But I know the fact that I have dated other guys makes the chances of Evan giving up before dating other girls very slim. I dont know if I can handle that. I know he is having a hard time handling my dating. All in all this whole "open relationship" thing is a bad idea and I wouldnt recommend it... even to a scummy extremist.

But Saturday there will be a Valentine's Day party... and it will be good... and we will celebrate love... and I will singlehandedly keep the passion for love and the day that celebrates it alive... this is not a single's party. Chocolate orgasms!

As a point of fact, I have decided that I quite dislike the term "single". There is me. Or there is me in a relationship. I am not single, and I am not alone, and I wouldnt be even if I didnt have several pseudo-boyfriends. And I also refuse to use the term "boy toy" because I dont objectify men. Even though Ben E. pointed out that I am indeed sexist. It isnt my fault that boys are scummy. Generalizations are good.

Ha! I am learning "the code" and soon I will know all of the secrets of the male sex.

At any rate... I wanted to be serious but this is as serious as I could manage. I am so excited for Valentine's Day.

Girls dont like boys

...GIRLS LIKE CARS AND MONEY!!!

Yay for having a cue! I heart Benjamin. It was a brilliant gift.

Yay also for body wash with moisturizer that feels sensational and makes me giddy from the scent of it all over me and makes me soft to top all that!

Also, I like this new punkish nose ring.

Yay stuffs and friends and new starts and college. Yes, even college gets a yay.

I do hope that the cat is okay, since apparently Arlo could not find the correct apartment and Kris' neighbors thought he was a mugger and I havent heard anything from Kris. And I might never again if the cat is not well.

I get to read Nietsche and Marx among other fine gentleman this coming month. And no morning classes amorrow :)

Happiness is smelling good and being soft.

BARGE?

After this short bout with death I have decided that there are two things that should never hurt people in a fair world... breathing and swallowing. In my future Utopia these things will never hurt anybody. Note that there will indeed be pain in my Utopia however.

I begin to feel like I might make it. The pain that was constant for three whole days and nights now feels somewhat better. I am grateful at least. It is funny how after having been in a great amount of pain a small amount of pain seems quite bearable and even something to celebrate. My hope is that I will not relapse and by the fair morn I will be able to return to life. As it is, I am no longer tired after having slept the better part of three days and three nights straight. I feel like going and doing something, but then I am quite sure there would be a relapse. So I settled for a shower, and maybe another viewing of 101 Dalmatians... and maybe food? My belly is quite hungry, having recieved little in the way of sustenance these past few days due to the difficulty of swallowing mainly. I am not sure I have anything appetizing in my little fridge however and I am certainly not venturing out into the cold night with my now wet hair to get some. Ah well. Almonds! Maybe almonds. I missed the pancake dinner I paid $5 for tonight. Oh well, I cant say no to cub scouts.

I dont care if this is only temporary rest, the calm before the real storm, it is still really nice. I am so happy. Yay!

In other news Arlo is awesome, and so is any other human being who would brave the cold night armed with only a strange set of keys and vague directions in order to feed a friend's friend's cat. I hope he doesnt steal anything. Oh well.

Right now methinks that if your right ear isnt in stabbing pain from dawn til dusk and then repeat... you should be happy. Be happy dammit.

No really I understand that there are many kinds of pains both physical and otherwise. And I dont want to tell you how to feel. But as for me... I am happy dammit. Happy as a lost little clam.

Hub

hub P Pronunciation Key (hb)
n.
The center part of a wheel, fan, or propeller.
A center of activity or interest; a focal point. See Synonyms at center.

hub

n 1: the central part of a car wheel (or fan or propeller etc) through which the shaft or axle passes 2: a center of activity or interest or commerce or transportation; a focal point around which events revolve; "the playground is the hub of parental supervision"; "the airport is the economic hub of the area"

Today I have be reinstated to the position of "hub". As a point of fact this whole week has been somewhat of an ego booster for your fair pirate and poetess. I have been told such things as that I "exude excitement" and that I have a "magnetic personality." It is dangerous to stroke my ego as such, because if too many people do it I begin to actually believe them.

Methinks any "hubness" I might appear to have is brought on by my inability to fit into any one particular group and therefore my desperate grabbings onto individuals who are easily taken in by someone who is genuinely interested in them.

At any rate I hope peoples will continue to be happy with me because I really feel like everybody has been too nice recently and it all has to fall down sometime soon like a house made of so many cards.

In other news I am sick like a bug which makes me angry because it is break and I intended to have many exciting adventures over said break. Instead there have been many times I was quite sure I was dying. Also the curses of womanhood are upon me in all their raging glory. Furthermore in my feeble health and at the risk of my very life I went to feed a cat today and in the course of playing with it... it scratched me. An irony indeed that I should die just when I seem to be returning to the former glory of my blissful youth. Such is life. Faretheewell dear readers, and pray that my death will not be too drawn out or painful.

i want to be like Freddy

How to make a hoperston
Ingredients:

1 part competetiveness

1 part arrogance

3 parts instinct
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little sadness if desired!

absinthe & abstinence

(Remember kids... only YOU can prevent forest fires!)

Warning: Do not drink absinthe straight, even in small doses... it WILL leave your throat sore. Also, when you are playing pool and you cant get the cue ball to stay on the table... you ARE drunk no matter what you might think about how little you drank.

That being said my first night of break from classes went swimmingly. I didnt know where my shoes were in the morning, but I did discover them some time later in Evan's room of all places. I believe his exact words were something like "You walked home without your shoes?" "Home schmome" says I. Home is for the weak. If youre going to party like you mean it in college... you might as well make it an all night long sort of thing. Insert random comment about how poor my reasoning skills are already and how they are even more poor when I am drunk. Insecurity insecurity... "I never once felt beautiful." Yadadyadyada... my standard spiel after a standard crazy night. Confusion and frustration over inability to singlehandedly bring world happinesss. Maybe a little guilt or confusion over lack of guilt.

In other news I am officially no longer obese. Quite a bit overweight... but not obese. This makes me very happy. It makes me sad that nobody around here can really tell that I lost 10 pounds in the last three weeks. I can tell. Also, I am sposed to have less health risks now. Yay living forever!

I have two words for you dear reader... "Tucker Max".